Can we go back to the conversation of ghosting, the way Sakaja almost ghosted the gubernatorial debate? Fortunately, he ended up showing, though without an apology – unlike the many men I’ve been hearing about lately. In the last two weeks, I’ve heard three different stories from three different women that sound like they’re dating the same man – only they’re not.
It’s just that all these men have the same characteristic: cowardliness. The cowardliness that it takes to inspire heartfelt love and affection in another human soul, just for it to be detrimental to withdraw … and then withdraw it with no warning. The one that tells them that instead of telling someone they’re not interested, it’s easier to just, you know, not speak at all. Not call back. Leave the ticks blue.
Ugh, ghosting is the worst! It’s almost like silent gas-lighting. It makes you think you’re crazy. It makes you think that you made up an entire relationship in your head that doesn’t exist. For one of these women, the guy had been talking to her about their future together for five years.
Five years! Five birthdays and Christmases with his family who call to check how she’s doing! Five years of having to remember details like his annoying co-worker, or what he usually likes to eat when they go on dates. Five years of building a world that was a fantasy.
All of these women who were ghosted had one thing in common: they had been scarred by love (like most of us have been) and had given up on it before this guy came along. And then, against their better judgment and possibly forsaking all sense, they chose to believe in this one knight in shining armour, who was supposed to not only arrive right on time, but stay. Now the only thing they have in common is that they don’t think they’re ever going to get into another relationship again.
Last week I talked about hyper-independent women born from childhood traumas et al. But can you imagine then, if we somehow manage to leave childhood healthy and relatively unscarred, we might just run into the demons in adulthood who basically lead you on for years before changing their minds in the space of a month (I’m usually convinced that these men have been nursing secret engagements that have only just come through, possibly funded by the women they’re about to jilt – think Single Kiasi). And where does that leave a fully grown, freshly-wounded woman? Murderous and unwilling for the next unfortunate guy, that’s where.
Honestly, I listen to the complaints that people have about dating and finding a woman in this country, but some of these problems are brought on by men themselves. When a person is unkind and then treats someone unkindly, they then create a monster in someone else. You know the adage – hurt people hurt people. And so we end up dating a bunch of people who are just rotating in a cycle of pain, and doing nothing about it but repeating it.
But let me tell you who I really want to blame. There’s a chance that maybe the guy is misunderstood. Maybe he was also heartbroken by an unkind person. Maybe he doesn’t know how to do better; doesn’t have the tools, or in the year of our Good Lord 2022 hasn’t heard of therapy or doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. Maybe he’s acting a fool, but not out of malicious intent.
Lakini the real problematic ones here? The ones who deserve to be strung up by their toes? — the friends. You know how guys have these friends who perpetuate their idiocy? The friends who participate in that world, building a fantasy when they know you’re the side chick. The ones who, when you come round, tell you nonsense like “we’ve never seen him so happy!” The ones who start calling you “wifey”, who start co-opting you into WhatsApp groups with your fellow “wives and girlfriends”.
As soon as a group of his friends starts reacting to you too enthusiastically, please, before your heart is turned to dust, run for the hills.
