Every couple has their own universal complaints about one another, but one of the most common complaints I hear from women is how their husband or boyfriend never does “this” or always does “that,” and the woman becomes the tragic victim.
A very popular example is, “I took care of everything” in a certain scenario, “while he just sat there and he didn’t even ask me if I needed help!”
Ladies, let me turn your attention to a word that I think is the ultimate “Kryptonite” to your ability to even remotely feel happy and satisfied in your marriage: enabling. Google Dictionary defines enabling as, “Giving (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.”
Could this be you? Are you actually in a codependent relationship and making things worse by acting this way? Leave it to traditional relationship advice to neglect this situation, but you are continuing the cycle.
Are you giving your husband “the authority to do something” and then continuing to allow it? If you’re not quite sure, let’s get a little more specific.
Here are five harsh reasons you’re the ‘sucker’ in your relationship:
- Planning/hosting household events always falls to you
Whenever there is a major event in your house (i.e., family gathering, kid’s birthday party, dinner party), you seem to take it upon yourself to be the one who takes care of everything, and your husband simply “shows up.”
What you can do instead: Be an adult and don’t assume that your husband should think like you or that he’s a mind reader. Simply give him a list of tasks that you would like to delegate to him, and if he’s the type that needs to “feel in more control,” write up a list of tasks and ask him to choose the ones he can take on.
- You’re the primary caregiver of your kids
This almost always seems to be an issue with couples. Somehow, the unspoken rule immediately becomes: The wife is in charge of the kids. Um, they’re his kids too, remember? And last I checked, today’s society isn’t like Little House on Prairie as far as gender roles.
What you can do instead: Delegate, delegate, delegate with what will allow him to feel successful as a parent. If your kids are school-age, there’s no reason why your husband can’t participate in taking over some of the morning rides to school.
If he’s into sports, then appoint him as the “captain” of managing everything for Little League. If your husband is what I call “poop-phobic” (he doesn’t want to be bothered with the poop), now’s the time to break him in. The sky is the limit as far as what you can delegate to him and, at the very least, for the sake of his relationship with your kids, he should be taking over a fair amount of responsibilities.
- You manage the household finances/budget
If you are the one in the marriage who is alone in managing the finances or bills, etc, or if you are in the dark because your husband is in control of it all, neither is okay. Both people need to be equally knowledgeable and responsible.
What you can do instead: Regardless of whether you are in charge of the finances or in the dark, it would behoove you both to have a monthly meeting where you share up-to-date information about finances, bills, and money. If you have shared bank accounts, both of you should have access to the accounts whenever necessary.
- You act as the ‘honorary’ host when extended family visits
This is when your husband conveniently slips into the bedroom to watch TV once the extended family is over to visit, while you are left to “entertain” everyone.
What you can do instead: Explain to your husband that although he may not be interested in engaging in conversation with extended family, it’s his job to be hosting with you and that escaping to another room isn’t supportive.
- You have sex out of obligation, not lust
Allowing his “instrument” to simply be in and out without taking the time to warm up your oven isn’t OK, especially in a long-term relationship.What you can do instead: Speak up. Tell him what you need as far as sex and help him to understand what will help you feel more sexually satisfied in the marriage. Saying nothing to him is only hurting you.
Carin Goldstein has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 10 years. She also writes about relationships and marriage and has shared her expertise in various magazines and websites such as Cosmopolitan, Women’s Daily, and Redbook.
