When I read beautiful love stories, especially the ones published on this platform, I beam with smiles. You can say that I am living vicariously through others. Because, in as much as I want to experience even an iota of happiness when it comes to love relationships, I haven’t had any luck. So I have settled for being happy for others who have it good. Mostly, people tell me not to give up on finding the one. They tell me, “Mr. Right is probably just around the corner. Your next relationship may be your happy ending.” I listen to comments like this and shake my head saying, “Do you know how many times I have been burned?
I don’t look like it but I have been burned so many times by my past love stories. It has been one heartbreak after another. Two of these experiences tore me to shreds. My last relationship lasted a little over a year. And it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The guy who swore heaven and earth to love me through thick and thin, left me while my mother’s body was still in the morgue. There was no explanation whatsoever, he just ghosted me. After him, my desire to be with anyone quenched. I was so broken that it took God, and everything in me to gather the pieces of my life and move on. The healing process was not an easy one but thankfully, I have healed.
I think back on my history with men, and the only profitable one was my first relationship. It didn’t leave me heartbroken. If anything it gave me a life-changing gift. It led me to Christ. When things ended, I realized that the only person I can please is God so I lived my life according to His word. Through that I promised God that I will no longer engage in pre-marital sex, seeing as it affects my relationship with God. And by His grace, I have kept that promise to date. It’s been six years and counting, and I am so proud of my journey with Him. The plus side of it is that the men who came into my life after my first boyfriend, couldn’t get a pound of my flesh. So it isn’t that they had their fill and left, no, not at all.
The thing about all my relationships is that these men came into my life acting so crazy about me as if I was their lifeline. Then after a few months, they just stop communicating without any reason. No matter how hard I tried to make things work, they behaved as if talking to me was a tedious task. So I just accept that the relationship has curdled, and I move on with my life. Later after the breakup, they’d try to act as if we were such good friends. And I always seized the moment to ask them just one question, “Why did you lose interest in me? What did I do to push you away?” None of them ever gave me a feasible answer. So it appears as if men who come into my life lose interest in me for no particular reason.
When I narrate this to people, they tell me, “This doesn’t sound normal. Pray and fast about it. Maybe there’s a spiritual reason for this.” Oh, but I have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds, and done everything humanly possible to be the kind of woman men would want to marry. I have Pastors and Prophets who help me pray. Sometimes they themselves tell me that they don’t understand what is going on.
I don’t demand money or material things from men. I am what you call an independent woman. I have a good job that helps me pay my bills. I am very quiet and reserved so I don’t go around looking for trouble. I am not saying that I don’t have any flaws, but if at least one of them told me about the flaws, I would know what exactly the problem is.
At this point, I have stopped praying about marriage. I woke up one day and told myself, “Enough is enough. If I don’t take care, this marriage thing will take me to an early grave.” I was a little angry at God for allowing me to go through so much hurt. Even as I write this, my heart is heavy. I have been crying a lot these days. I know I should not have stopped praying but I was tired. Now when I think about everything, coupled with my mother’s passing, I get depressed. She was the person I went to for comfort whenever I was hurt. So who’s going to comfort me over the pain of losing her? I long for a hug. The kind of hug which involves me being held so tightly that I would feel vulnerable to cry my heart out.
Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions but I am usually sad when mine is getting close. I am in my late thirties so I think about how time is passing me by and I don’t have someone who holds my hand when things get hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to be alive but what then? People tell me, “Be your own happiness. Make friends, go out and have fun.” Well, I have friends but almost all of them are married. I’m not an outdoor person so I prefer to stay inside. I bury myself in my work, read, write, and watch movies to kill time. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I have decided to take every day as it comes. I only have a very slim hope that things will get better.
If it happens that someday I get married, I will be happy. But if I never get married too, I will make peace with my singleness. I have accepted the fact that not everyone gets married in this life. And if that is my portion, then I will continue to read the beautiful love stories of others and continue to smile and be happy for them.
—Sandra
