turn twenty-seven this September, and I have been married for almost a year now. Before we got married, my husband was quite the doting partner. He was always in my space and just couldn’t get enough of me. That was one thing I loved about him. It made me feel like he needed me to function properly. That’s the pace our relationship grew at, until we got married. A few days after we got married, I found out that he was cheating on me while we were dating. He had even cheated two weeks before our wedding. I confronted him about it and he admitted it. “Yes, I cheated before we got married and I’m sorry for that. But I want you to know that I respect our marriage vows so I will not repeat that mistake. It ended when we got married, trust me on that.” It was difficult but I forgave him and we moved past it.
Apart from that cheating thing, the few months of our marriage were good. We were always hot for each other. I felt that was going to continue for a long time. And then I got pregnant. He was happy and involved at first. He would ask questions, “How does it feel knowing you are growing a human life inside you? Any physical discomfort?” I’d share my experience with him and it was always a bonding moment for us. Things were so beautiful until I reached my second trimester. That was when he changed completely.
He stopped asking about the progress of the pregnancy. He won’t ask about my antenatal care sessions either. And he refuses to talk about birthing preparations. This behavior gives me the impression that he has forgotten that I’m pregnant. I know it sounds crazy but that’s the only logical explanation I can come up with.
I watch him leave home very early in the morning for work and return late at night. Meanwhile, it wasn’t like that at the beginning of our marriage. So I know that he is doing it on purpose to avoid me. When I tried to talk to him about it he said, “I am working hard to get money and take care of the home. Stop complaining about my timings.”
If he spent time with me on weekends, I would have accepted his unavailability on weekdays. But no, the man prefers the company of his friends to mine. We would be watching TV together and his friends would call him to meet up with them, and my husband would rush out of the house. One of those friends is married but he is a shameless womanizer so I always feel uncomfortable when they are together.
My husband takes every opportunity to avoid talking to me. He barely looks at me these days. As for touch, the last time he touched me was during my first trimester. Right now I am seven months pregnant, and I’m worried that our lack of shuperu will affect me during delivery. I have tried several times to get him to perform his marital duty but he tells me, “I can’t think about shuperu right now. There’s a lot on my mind. The most important one is how to make more money.”
I find it difficult to believe that my husband is too busy to get intimate with me. He hasn’t even kissed me in a long time. I am trying to understand him but all I have are suspicions that he is cheating.
He keeps his phone far away from me and acts as if his life depends on my inability to access the phone. Ever since we got married, he has refused to post our wedding pictures on his social media pages. “Why won’t you post our pictures? Are you hiding your marital status from people?” I always ask him. And his default response is, “You know that I am not a social media person. Besides, those who matter know that we are married. They were at our wedding, remember?” Instead of listening to me, he acts as if I am making mountains out of molehills but these are things that make me unhappy.
Recently, he has been talking to one particular lady. It looks as if they work together. He calls her first thing in the morning before he leaves the house. When he gets home late at night too, he calls her. This lady has become part of his life and they communicate more than he does with me. I have not seen any messages to indicate that they are dating. That’s because his WhatsApp phone is different from the phone he uses for phone calls. He doesn’t guard the cell phone so I have taken the lady’s number from there. I have also gone to look for her on Facebook and found her account. Right now, I am tempted to call her and ask about her relationship with my husband.
This marriage has taken me through an emotional roller coaster ride, and I’m currently exhausted. When I search my heart, there’s barely any love left in there for my husband. I doubt that things are going to get better from here. Sometimes I consider leaving him after the baby arrives, but a part of me is hopeful that I can reach him somehow. I think that if I manage to separate him from his womanizer friend, things will change in our marriage. I believe that man is a bad influence on him, but that’s also something my husband is not ready to address. What should I do? What can I do to get my husband back? Or is it best I walk away?
—Cindy
