King and I broke up about five years ago but I still can’t get over him. We dated for two years, and he was my first love. We met at the university in the same class. He used to help me with my assignments. He was a very good friend before he became a lover. I had most of my best moments with him. King was calm, handsome, caring, and very thoughtful. He pushed me to be the best version of myself. I could always count on him in every aspect of my life.
Out of nowhere, everything changed overnight. Our bond started crumbling right before my eyes. I tried everything possible to save the relationship but all my efforts were futile. I think back on how hard I fought, begged, and waited for him to go back to the man I fell in love with. And the countless he dashed my hopes by gradually withdrawing from me. I remember how our relationship was hanging on the edge of a thread but I was pushing it to stay on course. Sadly, I was the only one hanging on to the relationship, but I never got tired of investing my efforts. I loved him so much that he was perfect in my eyes. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone or anything and all I wanted was to have a future with him.
Maybe I smothered him with my love. And I think I was too overprotective. Some people liken love to a bird. They say if you hold it loosely, it will fly away but if you hold it too tightly, it will be crushed. I suppose I couldn’t find the balance between holding on too loosely and holding on too tightly. So while I was happy with the way things were, he wasn’t. He couldn’t keep up with the intensity with which our love consumed me. It explains why he fell out of love with me and landed on his feet. No heartbreaks, no sadness, and definitely no looking back. He was probably relieved to have his space unoccupied by me.
I on the hand, was reduced to shards of broken hopes, and a million pieces of a broken heart. I couldn’t stop looking back at all the beautiful things that we were. I didn’t understand how he could throw it all away as if it never mattered. We meet at social gatherings and mostly it’s just “Hi … Hello” between us. There are times I even flirt with our old colleagues, just to get him jealous but nope, he doesn’t even look my way. We attended a classmate’s wedding recently, and he brought along his girlfriend. I was miserable the entire time and couldn’t focus on anything happening. I was in such a hurry for the wedding to end so I could go home and retire to the comfort of my bed.
Even in my misery, I thought, “I hope he is happy. It hurts to see him with someone else but I do hope that at least, one of us is happy.” Knowing that he is happy wouldn’t have taken my pain away but it would have given me some respite from my broken heart. As I write this, I yearn to have someone I can also call my own. And it isn’t that I haven’t met anyone, I have met people. The problem is that I am too wounded to open up myself to love them. I have tried, but the memories of King have become like ghosts that haunt me when I try to take a step forward. It makes me wonder if there is a deadline or a timeline for healing. Because I still think about him as though he never left.
He occupies an important space in my heart that no one has been able to replace. I keep asking myself, “What am I not doing right in my attempts to get over him?” I am tired of watching men coming into my life with the promise of conquering my love and leaving defeated because my stubborn heart would not yield. I am currently thirty years of age yet I don’t have a man. Why am I still hung up on a man who has clearly moved on with another girl and is happy, I guess? They say you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, but here I am failing at all my efforts to unlove King. I want to free my heart, soul, and mind from the bondage of the past. I have carried this guy in my heart every day for the past five years. And my heart only gets heavier at the reminder that he is gone, and he is never coming back.
Today I ask the question, “How is it that we were both in love but I am the one who is miserable? Isn’t the human heart made to love the same way?” I want to be happy, I really do, but I don’t know how. I can’t talk about my pain with my friends anymore because they are tired of listening to me when it comes to him. I guess to them I should be able to move on by now. Please I need advice on how to look ahead and let him go. I don’t want to enter a relationship with someone while I am carrying another person in my heart. Five years is a very long time to hold on to someone from the past. I am more than ready to give my love to someone who will cherish and reciprocate it.
I need help, please.
—Ruby
