I’ve been married for thirteen years. Thirteen years isn’t a lifetime but thirteen years is long enough to change a lot of things in a man’s life, including the texture of his marriage. Thirteen years ago when our marriage was new, everything was beautiful. We didn’t have kids. It was just me and my wife. We could get up and go anywhere we wanted. We could have very little and still enjoy life. There was not so much to do than wake up and be lovers. That was thirteen years ago. Now things are different. We have kids and we have more responsibilities than we did thirteen years ago.
A lot has changed but it didn’t change the love I have for my wife and the family we are raising. The change is more physical and has a lot to do with the way our lives have become. Life is repetitive and routine these days. It gets to a point where it becomes tedious. My wife is occupied with the kids and I’m always busy going around working or looking for opportunities that would make my family comfortable. Our conversations aren’t the way they used to be when he had little or no responsibilities. Today, all we talk about is family obligations and how to put food on the table. I still love my wife but the spark between us is gone. I don’t remember when the last ember died but things are not how they used to be.
The connection between us is no longer there. If it’s there then it’s not strong enough. I remember those days when we were young and not bothered about so many things. When she was next to me, I could feel the pull—we were like two magnets being forced apart yet forcing our way to be together. We’ll pull until we get together again. Being closer to each other looked like the perfect thing but now that feeling is no longer there. It got to a point I came to the realization that I was happier when I was away than at home. Home is where the heart is they say, but my heart was looking for another place it could call home.
Maybe I should have talked to my wife about it or maybe I should have spoken to someone about my feelings. I didn’t. I’m a man and men look for answers from within so I started on a journey looking to fill the hollow space I had inside. I looked around, searching for new things to do—anything at all that could revive the happiness I’d lost—that could also blow the ashes on my surface so the fire underneath can get air and glow. I looked for my friends and joined them on their weekend rendezvous. Every Friday after work, I wouldn’t go home. I would hang out with my friends until it was late at night. We went to bars, got drunk, and had some good laughs over our past escapades.
I thought that would bring the spark I’d lost but it didn’t. I still felt empty no matter how long the laughter lasted and how deep the night went. The excitement was just hollow. It was like laughter on the lip that didn’t come from the heart. I enjoyed the time with my friends alright but I wanted more and that ‘more’ came one Friday night when I was with my friends. As usual, we were out drinking one Friday night when a lady walked by. Immediately I set my eyes on her, I knew she was the missing piece I’d been looking for—very beautiful with a smile that brightened up her face. I approached her and introduced myself.
She looked lost, shy and uninterested at first. She gave me a bored look when I tried to engage her in a conversation but I did not give up. Every man once in their life would come across a lady who would give them an attitude at first and later melts into friendship. I knew what I wanted so I didn’t let her initial attitude affect me. I kept pushing and cracking jokes until she started laughing. Laughter opens the heart up and breaks through the defences humans puts up to keep strangers away. When she laughed, I knew I’ve made headway so I kept going until I saw her relaxed and composed in my presence. That night was one of the best nights of my life after thirteen years of marriage. We had fun as if we had known each other for ages.
Before we parted ways I took her number. We spoke often and started off as friends, just like all relationships start. After a while, I made my intentions known to her; “I am attracted to you. What do you think of us getting together?” She said, “I think it’s a bad idea for us to be involved this way. I am not looking for a relationship right now so friendship would work.” I replied, “I am not looking for a relationship either. I am a married man with kids. I love my family but life doesn’t end at the tip-end of family. I want more. I just want us to hang out and have fun once in a while.”
She agreed to the arrangement—no strings attached.
She had a job but I provided for her financially. My time with her was always filled with fun and happiness. She is one of the most intelligent women I’ve ever seen—you only talk to her for a minute and her essence begins to drip. The friendship grew into areas I wanted it to be so very soon we were having shuperu. Life was getting better. I was getting my spark back. The embers that died long ago started waking up after every shuperu with her. I was feeling young again, young at heart and young in my deeds in bed. I looked forward to being with her even when I was with my family. I craved her presence like a young man craves the presence of his first love. My affair with her balanced out my love for my family. I get to be a responsible husband and father and still feel youthful again.
That’s why I kept the affair going for two years. In that period, she tried two relationships outside what we were having but both didn’t work out. That didn’t affect what we had in any way. We were able to keep things fresh and new between us.
Then my economic situation changed. Life is hard these days. Things are getting expensive each passing day but my salary hadn’t gone up. This has affected the way I spend money and has made it very difficult for me to provide for my family and also my side chick. Between the two, I will always choose my family. They are the ones closer to my skin. People would look at them and judge my competence as a man. Not only that, my competence as a husband and a father would be judged based on how I take care of my family and not how I take care of a side chick. It was the reason I decided to let my side chick go.
It wasn’t even a difficult decision for me to make because right from the onset, we agreed not to have a relationship but rather friends with benefits. When I set off to break up with her, I expected her to easily accept the breakup but my expectation didn’t go the way they should.
I took her out one Friday evening and after a good time together, I broke the news to her, “I am not doing well financially as a man. The world is changing and things keep getting expensive. I thought it was just a blip but honestly, everything shows that it’s not going got get better anytime soon. It’s the reason I have come to this conclusion. If we keep this thing we have going, I can’t cater for you. It’s even becoming hard for me to cater for my family and I don’t want to keep you around and lie to you when it comes to money. Let’s break up. If things get better and you are still interested in me, we can get back together.”
She was quiet. She looked unhappy but was trying hard not to let it show. I asked her, “Won’t you say anything?” She looked at me with her eyes sunk into her eye socket. She didn’t expect what came from me and I could understand her emotions. When I dropped her off at home and was about to leave, she dragged me to her room and gave me the craziest shuperu of my life. I’d never seen her that wild. She was a different person in the act—as if her life depended on that. Right after that, she told me, ”Now you can leave.”
The look on her face when she said that got me terrified and confused at the same time. To make matters worse, I didn’t hear from her the entire weekend and that got me unsettled. I felt like she was going to do something crazy, something like pop up somewhere and leak everything that happened between us. All weekend I was afraid.
On Monday morning while I was getting ready for work, she sent me a very short text message; “Just like your family, I also need you in these economic hard times. How do you expect me to go on without your help? Do you think that’s fair? I am going to my village to meet my parents for some personal matters. I will be back next week. If you don’t rethink your decision I know where to take you. If I go up and it doesn’t work, I will go down. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Guys, I am very confused and scared. I sleep and get weird dreams. My nights have been very rough since she told me that. I know this is my own doing and I regret it but I don’t want anything bad to happen to me. I have a family. They need me and I need them too. How can I untangle myself from this self-inflicted disaster? Please I need your advice.
