I met Mathew through a friend in 2015 when I was at the university. After a few months of friendship, we fell in love. Our feelings for each other were so palpable that we didn’t have to say anything. We crossed the lines between love interest and friendship several times. Matt was the one who defined the relationship by asking me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t think he had to but I said yes anyway.
A while into our relationship I got pregnant. I was writing my final exams when I found out. He was very happy when I told him about it. He informed his family and they came to perform my knocking rites. We started making plans for marriage after that. When I finished with my exams, he came to pick me up from school and took me to his place to live with him. Things were going great between us and we were happy.
Two months into our living together I miscarried. We tried getting pregnant again but it wasn’t working. Matt said, “The loss of the pregnancy has left me with an emptiness only another pregnancy can fill.” Nothing I did was good enough for him. He was obsessed with me getting pregnant again. We kept trying but there was nothing to show for our efforts. Every month I got my period, he would say, “I am looking for a child and it looks like you are not going to get one. Because despite all our efforts, you haven’t gotten pregnant again.” I felt bad but there wasn’t much I could do. I left him to his cheating ways and focused on my life.
When I started my national service, things became worse between us. He would leave home and stay out for days. When he was home too, he acted as if I didn’t exist. I found out just around that time that I was a few weeks pregnant. I didn’t know how to tell him because of his behaviour. I decided that I would leave his place for my parent’s house. In hopes that he would miss me and come begging. I felt it was something that had to happen in order to rekindle our love.
One early morning, we had a heated argument over his cheating. I saw it as an opportunity to launch my plan. I started packing my bags and told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay but I still left. I just wanted him to feel the pain of losing me so he would come to his senses.
After I left he didn’t come and beg me as I had hoped. We only spoke occasionally. Two months later he came to visit. When he opened his mouth he said, “I came to tell you this in person, out of courtesy for our time together. I am getting married next month. I got someone else when you left.” I broke down crying. I asked him, “Who is she?” “How long have you been planning this?” “Why are you doing this to me?” He stared blankly at me and backed away from the mess that I was. I watched him leave while feeling this sharp pain in my abdomen. There was blood everywhere. I lost that pregnancy too.
It was not easy for me to get over him but God came through for me. After my national service, I got a good job and focused on building my career. After almost a year of being single, I met Nana in 2017. He lived abroad but he visited Ghana twice a year to work on some projects. We were friends for a while before he expressed interest in me. I turned him down. He didn’t give up. He kept trying to get me to change my mind but I stood my ground. It isn’t that I didn’t like him. The memory of what Matt put me through made me afraid. During his next visit to Ghana, he asked me out on a date. For that, I agreed. When the day arrived, I showed up. Nana was every bit a gentleman. He was attentive and kept asking me questions about my past. One of which was, “Why are you afraid to be with me? I can tell you like me so what’s the problem?”
I narrated my ordeal with Matt to him. He made me understand that he would treat me better. As time goes by, I accepted his proposal. We spoke every day even after he left Ghana. He was generous with gifts and money. He was emotionally supportive too. I was so happy that I glowed. Everyone who saw me asked, “You look happy. What’s going on?” I often laughed and said, “It is by God’s grace.” Truly I felt it was by God’s grace that Nana came into my life. After six months abroad, he came to Ghana. We did our first shuperu then. He also introduced me to his family as the woman he wants to marry. He showed me a house he was building and told me, “This is where we will live when we get married.” My heart was full of joy. Everything was perfect.
When he went back abroad, he complained, “I am having problems with my documents. Immigration might deport me soon.” Being the thoughtful girlfriend, l suggested, “Why don’t you marry a white woman over there to help fast-track things. I won’t mind, as long as you come back to me.” We talked more about it and he said he would consider it. On his next visit to Ghana, he announced that as soon as the building project was complete, he would come to stay permanently. He said he was ready for us to get married and settle down. True to his words, when the building project was complete, he came back to Ghana in January and stayed.
He took me out on Val’s day to celebrate our love. On the date, we talked about our marriage. We planned to have the ceremony in December. That was when he said, “I’m about to go into a contract marriage with someone so we’ll have to do a traditional one.” I didn’t know he had wanted to go back until then. I asked, “Tell me about this person you are about to marry.” The first thing he said was “She is a Ghanaian.” That broke my heart and I started crying. He apologized and said, “If it bothers you this much then I won’t go through with it anymore. I will stay here and we will get married instead.” I was happy to hear that.
On 3rd March 2019, he broke up with me. I was a mess. Everyone saw my misery. My pastor, my family, and some of my friends tried to get him to change his mind. He told them he needs space to figure some things out. Experiencing heartbreak for the second time didn’t make the pain bearable. I prayed for healing and tried my best to move on.
Seven months after Nana left me I quit my job and started my own business. I went into events planning. It was doing very well. I was always busy with gigs. In November, I was working on a funeral when I met a guy I knew from childhood. He looked like an alcoholic so I didn’t pay attention to him. This guy tried to get my attention several times but I kept ignoring him. After the event, he told me he had my complimentary card so he would call me. I still didn’t mind him. The next day he called and said, “I noticed your business doesn’t have social media accounts, I want to help you with that.” That got my interest. He shared his ideas and we worked towards them.
Two months after we met this guy proposed to me. I turned him down. I didn’t like him because he was very skinny. After I turned him down, he went to talk to my mother to put in a good word for him. My mum and my aunts called. They persuaded me to give him a chance. I listened to them and I did. He is a Muslim but he told me his family isn’t polygamous. He also said no one would force me to convert to their religion. That worked for me so we started dating. He was 41, while I was 30. His family was very receptive. I was certain that things would work out this time around.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, my business started doing poorly. My landlord had asked me to move out and I couldn’t afford to rent another place. My boyfriend was also living with a friend so I couldn’t have gone to live with him. We decided then to put our money together and rent a place. We moved in together and started living like a married couple. That was when I found out that he was a chronic cheat. He literally sleeps with anything in skirts. I’ve caught him cheating on me with two seventeen-year-olds. I confronted him and he went to my mum’s place to complain that I had picked up his phone and was dwelling on his past.
Nothing stops him from cheating, he would shamelessly propose to a woman today and later send them explicit videos. When I complain, he abuses me. Think about any form of abuse and you’ll be right.
I tried to leave him on several occasions but he wouldn’t let me. He’ll threaten to harm or do something negative to me. I’m not able to leave him because his threats make me feel like he wants me that much. Two men had left my life for no wrong done to them but this one threatens me to stay and it makes me feel he wants me more than I want to believe. That’s the reason I put up with him.
Matt and Nana made me feel no one would ever stay. But this guy never leaves and won’t let me. Currently, I have seen errors in my ways. I know that I shouldn’t put up with abuse and disrespect just because he wouldn’t leave as the others did. I know that I deserve better. My concern now is that he might hurt me if I try to leave. Our rent is about to expire, and I told him I’m moving to my mother’s house. He got angry and started making threats.
I’ve heard about the things he can do to me. Some say he might use juju to destroy me or even end my life. The other day when I talked about leaving he said, “Don’t try me. I am the most wicked person on earth.”
I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into but I want to get out. How do I leave him so he doesn’t hurt me? I am so scared. Please help me.
