I was a virgin when I met him, and he was as charming as Snow White’s Prince Charming. We barely knew each other but I felt like he was the one my heart had been waiting for. I fell for him as fast as a sports car on a highway. It didn’t even take long for him to pop my cherry. It wasn’t something I regretted because we were in love. What I forgot was that actions have consequences, and the result of our intimacy was pregnancy. When I told him about it he said; “I would hate for people to point fingers at you and misjudge you because of this blessing you are carrying. Why don’t we quickly get married before you start showing?” It sounded like a good plan so I said, “Yes, I agree. Let me talk to my family and get back to you.”
We had a small traditional ceremony, just among family and close friends. We planned that we would do the blessing after the baby arrived. I didn’t live in the same town as him, due to my work, so it was hard to fill in gaps in regard to things I didn’t know about him. However, there are certain truths that you don’t have to dig for, they come looking for you. And just two months after our marriage, it was revealed that my husband has a child with another woman. The news broke me. I confronted him and he confirmed it but told me the lady was not sure the child was for him. It was hard to believe such a tale, and all the other stories he told me as an explanation for keeping the secret of his child from me.
Things started to get messy when the child’s mother took him to court for neglect after she heard that he had married me. After the issue got resolved, I forgave him and told him; “Even though I wish you had told me about the child before we got married, I won’t hold it against you forever. Let’s just see the way forward. I know that child is yours and you have to be in his life. All I ask is that you inform me when you are going to see him.” He agreed with me but I never heard anything from him about the child for six months. This made me suspicious of him because I had heard from reliable sources that he visits the child and his mother.
I realized then that it wouldn’t be wise to be in a long-distance marriage with someone like him. So I discussed with him the idea of applying for a transfer to his town. You should see how he vehemently objected to it with a weak argument of why we should live apart. We were married but it felt like I would be forcing my presence on him if I insisted on the transfer so I let it go. In the meantime, he only visited me and the baby once in a while. As the days went by, I grew insecure. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t let us live with him, yet his visits were infrequent. So I fell on some friends and his family to beg him for us to join him. But he turned everyone down. We quarrelled a lot over this until he started calling me a nag.
The blessing ceremony we said we would have after the arrival of the baby became a sand castle washed off by how little we communicated and saw each other. I didn’t understand how this charming man I fell in love with became a ghost right after marriage. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Our sex life was none existent. Whenever he came to see us and I tried to initiate intimacy he would say, “Not now, I am too tired to get it up.” The way he was always tired made me feel he was getting it elsewhere. But I didn’t have any proof so I didn’t talk.
On my 33rd birthday, which was two years after the marriage, he visited us. Then somewhere around 3:00 AM, I saw him get up, take a bath, and try to sneak out. I got up immediately and asked where he was going. He explained, “I have an important meeting this morning so I am going back to my place to get ready.” I said okay and watched him leave. An hour later I called him and asked if he had arrived safely and he said yes. I didn’t believe him so I decided to visit his baby mama that dawn. Lo and behold, I found my husband with her.
When the lady saw me she said, “That’s what he always does. He comes to me in the middle of the night to worry me. And he always uses his child as an excuse so it’s difficult for me to sack him.” I had two options; cause a scene, or leave. So I thanked her and left. I felt cheated because I was his wife, but the other woman got more from him than I ever did. That knowledge shattered me.
I took the matter to his family and he was called for a meeting. To my utter dismay, my husband told the elders that it was my nagging attitude that pushed him to his ex. The family also blamed me for allowing him to stay apart from me. Amid tears, I told them I will get in touch with my family to get the marriage dissolved. But they pleaded on his behalf that I forgive him and give him another chance. They then gave my husband three months to help me join him but that never happened, and no family member ever bothered to follow up on that. So I decided to concentrate on my life and my child even though deep down I was depressed. I had even thought of taking my life on many occasions.
Earlier this year, I didn’t renew my family planning because my husband and I rarely met. Two weeks after it expired he visited, and that was the day he wanted us to have shuperu. I tried to get him to use protection but he refused. Long story short, I am pregnant with my second child. And I haven’t been able to forgive myself for that. He promised to be there for me but no, it didn’t happen. He still neglected me at my station, citing one excuse after the other. I wept every day until May when I got another shock of my life.
A sympathetic bird whispered to me that a lady visits my husband with a child that is known to be his. The descriptions of the woman and her child were different from the baby mama I already knew. This child is also older than mine. The ‘bird’ gave me the location of the woman. I wasted no time. I travelled to her place only to meet her dad who was shocked after hearing my story. He told me but for my child, who resembles my husband, and maybe my ring, he would have doubted me. He said, “My daughter has travelled but I will let her call you after we confirm your story from your husband.”
That same day, the lady called me to confirm what her dad told her. I gathered from her story that she and my husband have been together for seven years and he kept promising her marriage. She also told me about another baby mama that I didn’t know about. In short, he has three children with different women before marrying me. From May till now, he is asking for my forgiveness. He claims he married me because I am the one he loves. His family is also begging me to forgive him and let things go. He’s now begging me to join him for us to stay together. I told the family that he’s forgiven but I can’t go on with the marriage. But they are telling me that if I leave him, I haven’t truly forgiven him.
As for my family, they want me to have the baby before they take any action. I feel ashamed of myself for marrying a man I didn’t know well enough. I’m scared that I might do something terrible to myself and my unborn child. How did I ever trust such a man? I am always praying to God for comfort but it looks like God has neglected me. Please advise me. I’m really broken.
— Naa Koshie
