When she started keeping herself from me I thought I’d done something wrong and she was trying to punish me for it. She will come to bed fully cladded. My wife wasn’t known for that. Both of us slept naked so in the middle of the night when we wanted to do it, it became easier. This time around, each time my wife came to bed, she came wearing a jumpsuit, tight shorts or even trousers. I was laughing at her; “Why are you dressed like you’re going to war? What changed? Or when you sleep naked these days, your guardian angels turn away from you?” Her answer was, “I like it this way.”
For close to a week it was always like that. One night I tried and she hit my hand. When I put my hand back on her, she picked my hand and threw it away. I said, “Now I can’t touch my wife in peace again?” She answered, “I’m sleeping. Just leave me alone. Touch your own self if you want to touch something. You’re also a human being.” I didn’t get it. I didn’t get this new way of living so I asked if something was wrong. She kept telling me she wanted to sleep so I shouldn’t worry her. No matter what I did, this woman avoided talking to me.
Our sex life was super when we were dating. You leave us alone in a lonely place for a minute and we’ll use fifty seconds out of the minute to satisfy ourselves. When she wanted it, she claimed it and when I wanted it, I claimed it. She was very vocal about sex and I enjoyed it very much. She wasn’t the kind of woman who will wait until you make a move on her. She’ll initiate the move and take charge of it until she gets her pound of flesh. It was like that between us until we got married.
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Nothing changed after marriage. She was still the same girl who went for the kill whenever she wanted to. She didn’t take excuses. I could tell her I was tired and she would respond, “Just lie there. You don’t have to do anything.” From start to finish, she’ll do everything.
She got pregnant a few months after marriage. During pregnancy was even worse. This girl wanted it every day. At some point, I had to tell her, “Dear, me too I’m somebody’s son ooo. What will you gain if you kill me in this house?”
She was very active until the day she delivered our first child. A year later, she got pregnant again. She was active throughout the pregnancy until she delivered. We planned to give birth to three children. We have two now. The second one is three years but my wife has totally changed.
When it started I thought I’d done something to piss her off. I checked myself, I went through my messages to see if I’d said something to another woman that she read and didn’t understand it. I checked my life and checked my soul, I couldn’t identify anything I’d done wrong but my wife kept treating me like she was at war with me. After a month, I stopped pampering her and stopped asking questions. I confronted her, “We can’t stay here for you to behave like that when there’s no cause for your behaviour. What has come over you? What demons are you fighting that you have to exclude me? Oya, Talk!”
The best explanation she gave me was, “I don’t feel like it. My body doesn’t feel for sex and I can’t force myself to feel for it.” I said, “Just listen to yourself. Do you hear yourself? And you think you’re making sense? Anyway, you don’t have to feel for it. You don’t have to do anything. Just lie there and watch me.” She protested. She tried to fight me off. Had it not been that night I didn’t know my wife was that strong. I wasn’t going to allow myself to be overpowered by her so I pushed through and had my way with her. She called it rape. I called it a revival of a body that wouldn’t want to feel for sex. Everything was fine. She wasn’t dry or sick or anything so why was she doing that to me?
After that night, she started sleeping on the couch and when she had to sleep in bed, she will wear tight shorts and wear jeans on top. Every night I was angry. We had to fight until the kids will wake up to throw us off balance. I warned her, “If that’s how you want to go, I’ll have no option but seek gratification from the outside. And remember, immediately I go that tangent, I won’t come and fight for it here again.” I thought she will shake. I thought it will cause her to ask questions. All she said was, “Fine. Do whatever you want. As far as you don’t rape me again, I’m good.”
I brought her parents into the issue. It was embarrassing for me but I had no option. They sat us down and I asked all the questions I needed to ask and she answered. She accepted I’d done no wrong to her. She kept saying she didn’t feel for it again. “It’s like the switch had been turned off,” She said. I asked if she was seeing another man and she screamed, “God forbid.” I asked if she had fallen out of love with me and she said no. Her parents were very hard on her. They insulted her and told me to force her if she declines. But that wasn’t the kind of intimacy I wanted with the woman I call wife. When we came home I asked her if she would like to see a specialist. She said she was OK but I insisted.
She met a therapist and attended some sessions hoping whatever was worrying her will stop but nothing changed. Each time we had sex she cried as if I was murdering her innocence. After that, she would cry all night. I was like, “What devil has taken possession of your body?”
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Apart from the lack of intimacy, everything was good. She was playing a very good part in the marriage, trying to be a great mom and also take care of me.
I started cheating.
The lady works at an office closer to mine. She’s beautiful. I see my wife in her. She doesn’t know what I’m going through but she provides what I lack and goes the extra mile to make things exciting. My wife knows about it. At first, I thought it will reset her mind and bring her to normal but she didn’t care. When I come home late, she doesn’t get angry. I’ll come and meet a peaceful home with everything in order. She smiles at me, talk to me and treats me the way she treats me when everything is normal. I’m having an affair with someone else but it still doesn’t replace what I’m lacking from my wife. I miss her often. I miss the days when we were young and miss the days when she would tell me; “You don’t have to do anything. Just lie there and watch me.”
Once in a while, I force her and she will cry. Sometimes I hurt her and hurt myself. There’s nothing fun about it and the question is, why do I have to stay in a marriage where everything works and nothing works? Why should I be the one to bear the sins of my wife’s inactions? I might as well walk out of the marriage and stay with the lady I’m cheating with. My wife’s situation is so strange. So strange I’ve searched it online, asked people about it and spoken to total strangers about it. They all say it isn’t normal and that my wife is either out of love or hiding an affair. I also don’t see these two signs in the way she lives her life.
I’m tired and confused. The easiest route out of this is to walk out but I don’t think it’s the answer. What should I do to get her to act right?
—Ace
