I had a difficult childhood. There were times things got so bad that my only way of coping was to block my emotions. While this behavior was helpful, it messed with my emotions. It turned me into someone who is easily detached from people. This means that I find it very difficult to feel any form of affection toward others. I didn’t see a problem with it when I was growing up until I got to an age where everyone around me was having crushes and falling in love. That was when I realized that I didn’t have any romantic feelings toward anyone. A nice guy would approach me with the intention to capture my heart, but I would be unmoved by all their charms.
While this kept me safe from unnecessary drama and heartbreaks, it also made me feel left out. I wanted to meet a guy who would send tingles up my spine and give me goosebumps at a mere touch. I wanted to feel butterflies stir and flutter in my tummy when a guy I liked said my name. But I couldn’t even like a guy, let alone feel all these sweet things everyone was feeling. So I felt lonely most of the time. Along the line, I kept trying my best to coax love out of my heart for men who expressed interest in me, and somehow I managed to fall in love with someone about five years ago.
I was very happy in the beginning. And because it was my first time falling in love, I gave it my all. I treated this guy as if he was a diamond I found in the rough. But instead of appreciating the intensity of my love for him, he started misbehaving. He treated me as if I was a marble in the midst of other marbles. He paid attention to other women and mostly ignored me. Me too I wasn’t going to hang around and let him string me along, so I cut my losses and moved on. I am not saying it was an easy thing to do because it wasn’t. That was my first heartbreak so it was very painful, but I knew that it would be better for me to go through it and move past it than to prolong it by staying in a toxic relationship.
Ever since I recovered from that heartbreak, love has eluded me. I have met all kinds of guys; handsome men, rich men, kindhearted men, and passionate men, among others. These guys went out of their way to try and win my heart but all their efforts came to nought. I know it’s not about whether or not they were my ideal men. It’s just something in my head that I couldn’t move past. I could have just chosen one of them and tried to date them but that’s not my style. I cannot be with someone I don’t feel anything for. So it got to a point when I meet someone who showed me signs that he wanted more than friendship with me I pushed them away.
In 2019 I became friends with this guy called Kobby. We met on campus. He has been very good to me. And I’ve also tried my best to be a good friend to him. Kobby and I share everything. There’s nothing I don’t discuss with him. He just graduated from school while I’m still in school. As our friendship progressed, I noticed that he has caught feelings for me, although he is aware of how much of a struggle it is for me to fall in love. Because I care deeply about him, I started trying out things I could do to get myself to fall in love with him. I would call him every day and we would talk for at least thirty minutes. Every day after school he would ask me, “How did your day go?” And I’d tell him all about it. I also know his schedules and every little thing that sums up his life, but I am still unable to love him romantically. I have seen that he is holding out hope that someday we would be together.
However, I met a guy recently who is no different from Kobby. They have almost everything in common, and I vibe with him very well. The interesting thing is that this new guy and I are starting to like each other. He didn’t even try hard for me to develop feelings for him, it just happened. Right now we are in a good place and I can tell from the way things are progressing that we will end up dating. My worry, however, is that Kobby will be devastated if I tell him about this new guy. I also don’t like keeping it a secret from him. I am in a dilemma as to how to go about things. I don’t want to hurt Kobby, but I also don’t want to miss out on my opportunity to love someone. What do I do?
—Mia
