Growing up and setting standards for myself, I decided that I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I would come between my man and his mother. And an experience with my ex-boyfriend’s mother deepened my resolve to hold on to my standard. What happened was that one day my ex, Kweku’s friend sent Kweku’s mother a friend request on Facebook. When she saw the request and realized that Kweku was their mutual friend, she asked him; “Do you know this person? He sent me a friend request on Facebook.” Kweku took a look at the profile and replied, “Oh yes, he is my friend. He has even been waiting for you to accept his request.” The woman’s response was, “I won’t accept it. Tell your friend I am not his classmate for him to want to be my friend.”
I didn’t expect her to say such a thing because she was very down-to-earth and welcoming to all of us in Kweku’s circle. But she said it, and I took a lesson from it. I learned that, no matter how friendly a friend’s or partner’s mother is, I have to know my place. That lesson stayed with me even after my relationship with Kweku didn’t work out. When I met my current partner Terry, I was careful not to get too close to his mother. He is her only child and she raised him as a single mother so they are very close. She is actively involved in every aspect of his life, and Terry does not take her lightly.
One day he told me, “My relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended because my mother wanted it to end.” Because of this, I tried my best to stay on her good side. I didn’t want to do anything to overstep any boundaries so my relationship with her was polite but not necessarily friendly. And she was fine with it until I got pregnant in my final year in tertiary school. I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet so I had made up my mind to terminate the pregnancy. Terry didn’t agree with my decision so he went to tell his mother to talk me out of it.
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The woman called me every single day from the moment her son shared the news with her. She would tell me, “Ewura, don’t do anything to the baby. I know the situation is not ideal but it has happened. Just take it as the blessing it is, and someday you will be happy you kept it. Take me for example, I am very happy that I had Terry even though I had to raise him by myself. But I promise you that, I will do everything in my power to make sure that Terry marries you. So that you won’t do it alone. I am also here to support you.” After several conversations with her, I decided to keep the pregnancy.
It got to a point I had to concentrate on passing my final exams so I didn’t have time to communicate with her on a daily basis.
She took it wrongly and complained to her son that I don’t talk to her like she wants me to. According to Terry, she said, “The girl you want to marry is not friendly at all. It’s not a good thing.” He pleaded with me, “Please I need you to have a friendly relationship with my mother. It’s important to her so it’s important to me too. Bend your rules for her so that we can enjoy our relationship in peace.” I said okay and started talking to his mother on friendly terms. I even involved her in our relationship sometimes.
When Terry and I have issues, I discuss them with her and seek her counsel. For some of the issues, I just needed her to talk to her son so that he would correct certain behaviours. She would tell me, “Don’t worry Ewura, I will talk to him.” But she never did. After a while, I realized she was biased in her counsel. So the next time I needed to talk to someone about our relationship, I spoke to a neutral person. Somehow she found out about it and got angry with me. She said I was washing her son’s dirty linen in public. I tried to apologize to her but she wouldn’t have it.
Recently, Terry and I had some squabbles and I decided to tell her about it. But she was so angry at me that she didn’t give me a listening ear. Somehow Terry and I resolved our problems and we are making preparations for marriage. That should have been a good thing but my fiancé’s mother is still angry so she wants to call off our wedding. Even though I have apologized to her several times, she doesn’t want to let things go. Terry’s response to the situation was, “Once my mother decides that she doesn’t approve of someone I want to marry, she won’t rest until the relationship is ruined. Do you remember when I told you she is the reason things ended with my ex? That’s what she is doing to you now.”
I love Terry very much and I am about to have his baby, and despite her protests, we are still carrying on with the marriage plans. My problem is that I can’t imagine a future where I will be happy with my mother-in-law being in control of our marriage. Will she decide what we should wear as a couple? Or will she decide what food I should serve her son? And what if we have marital problems and she decides we should get a divorce? So far, her son hasn’t done much to assure me that he can stand on his own without his mother’s influence.
Moreover, the woman is holding a grudge against me so how am I going to relate with her going forward? If I marry Terry, I will put myself in a position where he will have to choose between me and his mother someday. So instead of looking forward to my marriage with excitement, I am wondering if it would be worth the drama attached to it. Kindly advise me on what to do because I’m very confused.
—Ewura
