At the beginning of the relationship, she would visit me and leave when it was getting late. The relationship was new. We were both trying to know each other while acting shy along the way. Sometimes I wanted her to sleep over but no matter how late she would leave. I wanted her to sleep over but I lacked the courage to inform her. Five months later, it was still like that. One day I told her, “Why don’t you sleep over? It’s not as if your mom would beat you if you sleep here with me. You live alone so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
She answered, “Until we are married, I’m not allowed to share the same bed with you overnight. Where I come from, we don’t do that.” We had done everything reserved for married couples in our relationship and were basically living like a man and wife but this woman won’t sleep over. Anyway, I didn’t push it. I wanted her to be happy doing the things that made her comfortable. One evening I was at her end. We were enjoying the night until I realized it was too late. I begged to sleep over at her place. She said no. I continued begging until she told me, “If you’ll sleep here, I don’t mind but I won’t sleep in the bed with you. Accepted?”
I grudgingly accepted the offer and slept in her bed while she picked a pillow and bedsheet and went to the hall to sleep. She spread the bedsheet on the tiles and slept on it. I was thinking, “Isn’t she going to have body pains in the morning? Bare tiles like that?” I wish I could do something about it. I was feeling pain on her behalf but she wasn’t the kind of woman who’ll say something and change her mind.
I woke up around 5am and decided to join her on the floor. Immediately my shadow fell on her she got up and screamed, “Don’t come here. Stay there.” I was taken aback. “Hey, I don’t mean any harm. It’s morning and I just want to hold you.” She stretched her arms forward and said, “Stand there. Don’t come any closer.” She pulled the sheet beneath her and started folding it quickly. She smiled at me and walked past me to the bathroom. It didn’t look right. It was like she was trying to hide something. I asked her, “What’s wrong? What don’t you want me to see?” She answered, “I just don’t want us to share a bed overnight. That means you don’t have to come close either.” The whole thing looked weird but I let it go.
I didn’t ask her to sleep over again until one night she was with me and it started raining heavily. I asked, “You’ll still go home?” She answered, “You have extra sheets right?” She picked them up and went straight to the hall. By the time I woke up around 5am, I saw her washing the sheet in the bathroom. I asked, “Why should you wash it? They were new when you slept on them. I don’t think sleeping on it once should make them that dirty for you to wash them.” She gave a reason that didn’t make any sense to me and the fact that she had to wash that early didn’t sit well with me.
One evening, I pressed her to spend the night at my place. While she was sleeping at dawn, I tiptoed to her sleeping place and lay gently beside her. I knew she was going to wake up and ask me why I was sleeping there. The plan was to tell her that I’d been sleeping by her side all night and see her reaction. Immediately I lay by her side, my skin got wet. It was like I had slept on a wet sheet. I got up quickly and did a nose check to see what kind of water I’d slept in. It smelled like urine. I embarrassingly tiptoed back to my place. I wiped off the urinal on my skin and pretended that I was sleeping. “I get it. So that’s the reason why she won’t share a bed with me. She’s scared I will find out and embarrass her.”
Not too long afterwards, I saw her tiptoeing into the bathroom. I was watching her. At some point, I wanted to let her know that I was awake but I thought she would be embarrassed so I lay there quietly as she went in and washed the bedsheet. I didn’t ask any questions or ask why. When she was about to leave she told me, “I washed your sheet. Don’t forget to hang it outside before you leave for work.” I nodded. She asked me, “Are you ok?” I answered, “I’m fine.”
Now I know why she does what she does but I haven’t had the courage to bring it up for discussion. This is not something that would make me leave her. She’s too good to let her go because of something that can be resolved but I wish she would open up at some point so we talk about it. I want to know why she wets the bed at her age. If there’s a known problem, I won’t hesitate to help her solve it. If we have to seek medical care, I will support her and pay for everything. All I’m waiting for is for her to come clean so we discuss it.
I’m afraid if I go forward to tell her about it, she would coil and withdraw from me. I’ve seen her fold sheets on several occasions. It was only once that she slept on a bedsheet and didn’t wash the following morning. When I asked her why, she told me, “I’m too tired today so I’ll leave it. Maybe next time I would wash it.”
I checked the sheet and it smelled as fresh as new. That means she didn’t wet it that night. I could imagine the pride in her heart when she woke up without being surrounded by a pool of urine. We are almost a year into this relationship. I don’t ask her to spend the night with me again because I already know why she won’t but I’m looking for a way to help her. Do you think it’s proper for me to start the conversation?
I go to her and say, “Hey, I know why you won’t share a bed with me. You don’t want to embarrass yourself. You obviously don’t want to wet your side of the bed while you sleep but it’s alright. Let me help you get the help you need.” It’s that the right way to do it? Or I should wait until she willingly opens up to me? It’s kind of dicey. I don’t want to hurt her confidence but the fact that she keeps hiding and keeps making excuses for the condition worries me. How long is she going to hide it and how long can she go with that excuse of not sharing a bed with me? She needs help, I know but how do I help her?”
–Shadrack
