My husband and I have been married for two years now. We don’t have any kids. We have tried everything to conceive but we are yet to see any results. As we wait on God for the fruit of the womb, we’ve encountered a rough patch in our marriage. It has nothing to do with our fertility issues. This is an entirely different issue.
It began when my husband’s mother visited us shortly after we got married. We were having a conversation when she said, “Maa, there’s something I want you to ask your husband for me.” I didn’t understand why she was coming through me to get to her son but I encouraged her to go on. “Before you got married, I asked my son to help his father and me with our building project. He told me your wedding came with a lot of costs so he couldn’t help. Now that you are married, I want him to help us. Please ask him to do it.” Again, why is she coming to me with this when she can go to her son directly?
I didn’t want to be a bad person by refusing to talk to her son, so I spoke to my husband about it. I suggested he sends them money every month to help with the project. We talked about how hard it was going to be to give them monthly contributions, but we were determined to help them. You see, my husband is not financially stable. He went for some loans to start a business. So every month deductions are made from his salary. The business he started too, isn’t yielding much. So I suggested he reduce the money he gives me for housekeeping. That way he can support his parents.
A few months after we started sending the money, my in-laws sent word that their younger son wants to enlist in one of the security services. First, they asked my husband to support his brother with GHC 5000. This cost all our savings but we gave it to them. I remember asking them if they were sure that the person helping with the “protocol” enlistment was genuine. And they didn’t mind me. After taking all our savings, they kept coming back, asking for more money. By the time we realized what was going on, my husband paid GHC10,000 in total. As if that was not enough, my in-laws added the building money we gave them to the enlistment money.
When I found out that they gave away the money we sent them monthly, I became angry. These people behave as if my husband and I have a pot of money that keeps producing money for us. I wanted their son to stand up to them and explain the sacrifices we make for their sake, but he wouldn’t do it. So I demanded he gives me the housekeeping money in full. He didn’t want to disrupt the peace in our home, so he did just that.
A few months after the enlistment issue, my mother-in-law called to talk about their building project. She asked my husband to go for a loan and give the money to them to finish the building. I overheard their conversation and warned him, “Don’t even think about taking a loan. In the end, I am the one who will suffer for it. If they start making deductions, you won’t have enough money left to pay for your part of the bills. Then I would have to shoulder everything. So no more loans.” That’s right, we split our bills equally. The only thing I don’t share with him is the water bill. That’s because it’s not much.
I tell my husband to talk to his parents so they would manage their finances properly and stop demanding so much of us. But he always responds, “You don’t understand, I am the firstborn. I am also the only one among my siblings who has a job. This role comes with certain responsibilities. I can’t just turn my back on my people when they need me.” I understand my husband can’t do what needs to be done because he is soft, calm, understanding, and very respectful. He respects me just as much as he respects his parents. So he tries his best not to offend either me or them.
Sometimes, I see his struggle and I cut him some slack. I even help him meet his family’s demands so he wouldn’t feel he is all alone. As I type this, he borrowed money from me to meet some of these demands, and he is yet to pay. He helps with house chores so I don’t mind helping him financially. Once in a while, I even send my parents money and tell them it’s from my husband, just so he will look good in their eyes. Currently, he is completely broke. He only depends on whatever remains of his monthly salary. Had it not been for my intervention, it would have been noticeable that we are having financial problems.
Upon all his struggles, his mother called him two weeks ago asking that he pays for a loan they took to complete their building. I was livid. I don’t understand why they are still making demands of him, after everything he pulled together to pay for his brother’s enlistment, which turned out to be a fraud, by the way. As for the building, he already sent his contribution and they chose to use it for something else. So why should he have to pay GHC8000 for the loan they took to buy building materials?
I didn’t realize that I was insulting my husband until I heard myself say, “Ever since we got married, we haven’t done much for ourselves. The only thing we have is a piece of land. Even with that, I paid the greater part of that bill. I am busy investing my money in our family while you are investing yours in your family. I must look like a fool to you.” I believe that while we are yet to have kids, we should invest our money in properties so that we would be in a good place by the time the kids start coming. The only way to achieve this is for my husband to get his family off our backs when it comes to our finances.
So he called his mother and had a conversation with her about their spending habits. You should see the way the woman got angry and insulted her son. She screamed over the phone; “Every time we ask you for money, you tell us you don’t have it. Is your wife not working? Can’t she support you? Even if she won’t, stand on your feet like a man and starve, so you can save money for your family.” I was surprised at how this woman feels entitled to her son’s money. Money that he doesn’t even have.
Just three days ago, this woman called us again with another demand. She wants her son to pay GHC4000 out of the GHC8000 loan they took. My husband complained to me bitterly, “Where do they expect me to get the money from?” I told him to patiently explain his financial situation to his mother, so she would know that he is really struggling. He agreed to take my advice, only for me to hear him on the phone with his mother saying; “Ma, I will send you GHC1000 every month until I finish paying everything.” He thought I was asleep when he made the call, but I was not. I heard everything.
After eavesdropping on their conversation, I advised myself. Going forward, I will stop contributing money to the house. Our prepaid electricity got finished but I didn’t buy it. We stayed in the dark until he eventually bought some. I will cook with whatever money he gives me. I won’t top up if it’s too small. I didn’t use to spend my money on my family because my parents are well-to-do, but now, I have decided to cater for their needs regardless. I want to see how long we will go before he finally stands up to his family and lays some ground rules about money. Am I doing the right thing?
—Maa
