The first time I saw Sarah, I knew that she was the one for me. We were in the same class in training college. For the first year in school, I never spoke to her, even though in my mind I referred to her as my wife. She always had a faraway look in her eyes. As if there was somewhere she would rather be. She never tried to fit in or make friends. I observed that she looked extremely uncomfortable anytime she had to talk to someone in the class. This is why I couldn’t work up the courage to approach her. I didn’t want to spook her or scare her off. I watched her from a distance for over a year.
In our second year, we found ourselves working together on a group project. She was shy during our first encounter. I knew it would take time for her to relax around me. And I am a patient man. I was in no rush to push any agenda. I took my time coaxing her out of her shell. The longer we worked on the project, the more I interacted with her. Soon I started making progress. She started talking to me on her own. Then we started holding full conversations on subjects unrelated to school. She was still shy and quiet around everyone else, but when she was with me she was comfortable. This raised suspicions among our classmates. They started spreading rumours that we were dating. I never denied it, and neither did she.
We enjoyed our friendship to the fullest. At some point, things progressed. We were still friends but we did things that were not particularly friendly. We hugged each other affectionately. We would throw our hands around each other’s waist and walk around campus. Occasionally we would kiss, and cuddle. It was when we got to our final year that we made our relationship official. God, the love we shared was intense. I never knew the human heart was capable of holding such strong emotions until Sarah came along. She made all my past love stories look like child’s play. We even lost focus on our studies and almost failed our final exams. In the end, we passed by a slim margin.
After school, we used some of our trainee allowances to rent an apartment and moved in together. Both of our families didn’t complain when we did that. Our relationship got better after we moved in. We had constant access to each other. Which only added more fuel to our love life. We burned but that was ok for us. Our passion was unquenchable. There was no shuperu position that we didn’t try. Sarah never withheld herself from me. Sometimes she even initiated things. We continued to live together during our national service. People only got to know that we were not married when we told them.
One day we were having a conversation when I said “Do you know that the only difference between us and married couple is that we are not married?” “What’s your point?” She asked. I continued, “Well what do you think about us getting married?” She looked shocked as if I’d asked a question that ought not to be asked. “Are we ready? Marriage is a big step you know,” she said. I smiled and held her hands; “I think we’ve already taken that step. We’ve been living together for years now. And it’s working. We are happier than some married couples I know. Let’s just seal the deal before God and our loved ones.” She smiled and said, “Sure. Let’s do it.”
After three years of living together, we got married. I felt like I had won the lottery. I replayed our journey in my mind and smiled. Right from the moment I met her, I knew she was mine. It took a long time but it finally happened. I was happy, and so was she. A few months into the marriage we started trying to conceive. Nothing worked and as we speak, nothing has worked in our favour. We’ve tried the obvious solution. We’ve tried the not-so-obvious ones too. Nothing. We have become frustrated, Sarah especially. She is tired of the process. When I try to touch her she tells me “I have a headache.” “I am not in the mood.” Or “I am tired.” At first, I thought it was just stress. I hoped that in time she would be the Sarah I married. However, that hasn’t happened.
She could go for three months without the desire for my touch. I don’t remember the last time she initiated anything either. I am not proud to admit this but there were times I forced myself on her. It seemed like the only way I could have my way with her. She started calling it what it’s supposed to be called; rape. She accused me of it and use it anytime she wanted me to feel bad so I stopped pushing it.
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The next thing I did was to find satisfaction with another woman. It happened once and I felt bad about it. Knowing myself, I won’t do it again. I confessed my infidelity to Sarah hoping she would forgive me. But things have gotten worse between us. She tells me, “When you touch me, the memory of how you cheated comes to mind and it begins to hurt afresh.” We are together but apart. Most often I think about it and it gives me a migraine. I don’t know how to make things right. The lack of shuperu is also driving me insane. Apart from that, the need for her to conceive is also another problem we have to deal with. How can she conceive when she doesn’t want to do what will put a baby in her stomach?
I am always angry and in a bad mood because of that. I don’t recognize who I am anymore. I didn’t even know myself. It’s like I’ve lost a huge chunk of who I used to be. I feel like a primal being who is controlled by his urges. And Sarah made me this way. She gave me so much shuperu when we were dating, only for her to stop giving it after marriage.
Honestly, some days I regret getting married. I wish we had waited a little longer. Our marriage is only a year old but there is no more passion. We used to burn but now we are ice cold. How am I supposed to look into the future with joy in my heart? Is this my “For better for worse” moment? I hope not. I need her to change. I need her to forgive me totally so we can be who we used to be again. Where do I start from to achieve that?”
