Growing up, I had a lot of people tell me I am that I am beautiful. It never got to my head because my family never shut up about how my sisters are prettier than me. So I felt whatever anyone else said was just mere words. However, there were men who always took it a notch further and called me their wife. That wasn’t a big deal either, grown ups play with kids like that all the time. What I found disturbing was the way they touched me. It wasn’t in a way that would make me scream for my mother but it was enough to fill me with fear and have my skin crawling.
Because of this experience, I grew an aversion to touch. I would literally recoil when someone tried to touch me, especially someone I just met. Sometimes when my friends hugged or touched me in a friendly way, I would welcome it but groan internally. I am only comfortable touching people I trust and I am comfortable around. Even with that sometimes they turn around and try to do things that I did not consent to. I am talking about boys. I would trust a boy and let them get close to me only for them to try and have shuperu with me at the least opportunity they get.
I have female friends who have healthy friendships with men. The men don’t try to get into their pants. It’s just pure friendship.
Me, when I try something like that it backfires. At some point, the guy would try to introduce sex into the relationship. It isn’t that they fall in love with me or anything. One time this happened was with a friend who was getting ready to get married. He was friends with a guy I was dating at the time but he was also my friend. We hang out a lot of time, and people who didn’t know us thought we were dating. Although we seemed so close, I never got comfortable around him enough to let him touch me. Yes, there were times when he would playfully try to tickle me but I would avoid it and tell him, “I don’t like being touched.” After a couple of attempts, he stopped.
Once in a while, we would hug, but that was it. So I was really surprised when we were watching a movie one day and he started touching me. This time he wouldn’t stop when I asked him to. It wasn’t a friendly touch too, it was sexual. I became afraid all of a sudden. I started thinking, “If he forces himself on me right now, I will have no defence. People know that we are close. They will think I consented to whatever happened.” I nearly cried as I begged him to stop. He saw how scared I was and stopped. “I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me,” he apologized. Our friendship is practically non-existent after that moment.
I would not have considered it a big problem if it happened with only him. There were others before him. I would meet a man for the first time and all they would want to do is take me to bed. I learned to read the cues when I was a teenager. A man I lived in the same house with tried to lure me into his bed. He almost succeeded but I escaped. I was sixteen then. After him, I started paying close attention to how men interacted with me. Sometimes they are obvious that I don’t need to try so hard to figure them out. This made me resent men when I was a teenager. I hated the fact that all they saw in me was an object they could use to satisfy their desires. So there were times I used their intentions to my advantage.
I would make them buy me stuff that I don’t need while acting like an innocent little lamb who doesn’t know she is about to be devoured by a hungry wolf. By the time they want to collect their pound of flesh, I would ghost them. I did this for so long but eventually, I got tired. I just didn’t want these men to notice me let alone try to lay me. So I spoke to a male friend about it. I wanted to get a male perspective on what a man would see in a girl and decide, “I want to marry this girl,” and what he would see in another girl at first glance and say, “I want to sleep with this girl.” He told me sometimes it had to do with the way the girl dresses.
So I started wearing ugly clothes and going out of my way to look unattractive. Guess what? It didn’t work. Now, instead of strangers having those thoughts about me, it was men who were close to me. One time it was my pastor. He came to visit me at home unannounced. I was home so I looked very messy. However, I saw in his demeanour that he was having sexual thoughts about me. I thought it was all in my head until I went to a prayer meeting that evening. He gave a prayer topic for us the women to pray about. He said some of us are possessed with the spirit of lust, and that whenever a man sees us, he gets turned on. He asked that we seriously pray about it. I knew I was the one he was talking to.
My most recent experience was with a male friend. We’ve been friends for so long that I practically see him as a brother. We’ve spent lots of time only in each other’s company. Sometimes he would come to my place and sleep while I go about my business. I always used to believe that among all my male friends he is the only one who wouldn’t try anything with me. Well, he surprised me the last time he visited me. He was unusually touchy. Before I realized it he was trying to kiss me. I told him, “This isn’t a good idea.” He responded, “Do you know how long I have wanted to do this? I have only held myself back because I don’t want to push you away and lose our friendship. But now I figured it’s worth the risk.”
I wish I could say I was firm and that I drove him away, but I didn’t. I let him kiss me and I kissed him back. I was curious to know if there was anything there but there wasn’t. I was only annoyed that yet another male friend had gone and ruined our friendship. That day he tried to get into my pants but I said no. He tried to persuade me to do it when the seduction failed but I still said no. Needless to say that I stopped talking to him after he left my place. When this thing happened I asked myself, “Is it true what my pastor said? Am I possessed with the spirit of lust?” Because some of these friends of mine have female friends they don’t try anything like that with. Some even tell me they are celibate. But the moment they get close to me they start acting like I owe them sex.
This thing has made me decide to keep men at arm’s length. I can’t even fathom dating anyone because how do I know if it is love they want or it’s just shuperu they want? As for male friends, I have decided not to get close to any of them either. Has anyone experienced this before? Do I have a demon in me that fills men who encounter me with lust? If that is the case, how do I get it out?
–Mel
