Throughout my life, I’ve always been a happy person. I was the guy you invite to a party if you want everyone to have fun. There was never a dull moment in my life. I remember how I used to call radio stations to request songs so I could dance to them. Sometimes I requested songs for my loved ones. It was a little gesture I did to show people that I was thinking of them. In 2013, right after I completed SHS, I called a radio station one evening to request Sarkodie’s song. I told the presenter, “Can you play ‘Devil in Me’ by Sarkodie for me?” The presenter laughed and asked, “Why, is there a devil in you?” I knew it was a joke so I also laughed.
Now I can say that my struggles started after that very phone call. All I could do was think, “What if there’s a devil in me?” The more the thought occurred to me the sadder I became. My sadness progressed to a worse state when I watched TV and saw the late Prophet T.B. Joshua casting devils out of people. Every time he prayed for someone I would ask myself, “What if there really is a devil in me?” These thoughts about the devil led me to think about the existence of the supernatural world and the physical world. I wondered what the world would look like if God didn’t create it. I thought about nature and all the elements that come together to make nature balanced.
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I struggled alone with my thoughts for an entire year. All that time I was actively participating in church activities. I made sure I never missed prayer meetings. And my only prayer at that point was that God should erase all the negative thoughts from my mind and help me focus on Him and His goodness. Gladly, God answered my prayers, and my life became normal again. I was once again the life of the party. I enjoyed my life and lived in the moment. I was no longer haunted by negative thoughts. I moved on with my life peacefully and happily until something happened in 2018.
It happened during a prayer meeting at church. A guy we were praying for confessed that he was in a cult. He spoke about their activities and showed us a photo of the devil on his phone. This thing affected me for days. My old fears started to resurface, and I almost sank back into that state of poor mental health. Luckily, I had school, and exams was fast approaching so I didn’t get the time to dwell too much on my fears. By the time I finished my end-of-semester exams, my fear of the devil disappeared. It was also at that point that I realized that I am very impressionable. So I became careful of what I fed my mind with. I avoided anything that would negatively impact my emotions and my thoughts.
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With this new mentality, my life was filled with positive vibes. I completed school, finished my national service, and got posted to work last year. About a month into my new environment, there was a discussion on social media and mainstream media about sexuality. Everybody was talking about it. The Ls, Gs, Bs, Ts, and Qs, community. I don’t like to hear about them so hearing people discuss them filled me with a lot of negative feelings and thoughts. My news feed on Facebook was filled with this topic and I hated it so much. The joy I had nurtured over the years vanished all of a sudden. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep at night.
From that time up to today, my sleeping pattern has not been the same. I struggle to sleep for about four hours or two hours. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get a good night’s sleep. In addition to that, I started thinking that life was pointless. I would tell myself, “Everyone dies in the end, so what’s the point of trying so hard to make an impact?” Even when my salary was paid in a lump sum, I wasn’t happy. It was a huge sum of money but I was too sad to feel any joy. I couldn’t even do basic things like eat, or hold regular conversations. My heart bore a heaviness that weighed on my soul. Misery became an outfit I wore repeatedly.
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It got to a time I believed I was going mad. I couldn’t silence the voice that kept telling me to end my life. So I spoke to my father about what I was experiencing. My dad being a strong Christian made it a habit of calling me every night to pray with me. After his prayers, I would sleep for a while. However, I still couldn’t sleep through the night as a normal person should. This horror show of my life continued till I went home and got myself actively involved with church activities and prayers. I knew it was the devil at work, so I didn’t joke with my prayer life. Thankfully, I got some relief when I went home. The problem was still there but it was not as severe as before. I began to feel some inner joy. I felt myself getting better so I tightened my prayer belt.
I went back to my workstation with renewed hope. But everything started getting bad when I started receiving phone calls from home that my girlfriend was moving between men. I didn’t want to believe them at first but her actions didn’t help. I would call her and she wouldn’t pick up. Sometimes she would ignore my calls for hours, only for me to call her late at night to find her on another call. We have been together for four years, but her recent behaviour is another attack on my mental health. She would mess up, and come and apologize to me, and I would forgive her. I have tried to move on from her but I just can’t.
Another thing that is bothering me these days is the way I feel when I pray. About six months ago, I used to wake up with Alpha hour on Facebook Live and pray. One night I was praying when all of a sudden another thought just appeared in my mind and made me feel terrible. It was triggered by the name of God. Now, anytime I hear the word ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’, my heart would beat erratically. Even Gospel songs make me feel uncomfortable nowadays. I have gone back to having sleepless nights because of this. To even pray now is a problem. The other day I was feeling a bit better so I prayed. Right after praying, my condition got worse. It looks like I am under spiritual attack. I believe the devil knows I was getting relief through prayers, so now he uses it to attack me.
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As I am typing this story at 2:23 AM, I have slept for only two hours. I feel like I am dying. This is not me. I wish to be back to myself again. I want to have that joy one more time. I have significantly reduced in weight because of all these problems. I can’t continue living like this. I am tempted to end it all. The negative thoughts in my mind make life too unbearable for me. Please I need help.
–Ezekiel
