Ike and I were very much in love. See, the way this guy could drop everything he was doing just to be there for me always amazed me. If I coughed, he would ask, “Babe, are you okay? Should I get you water? Should I get you cough syrup?” He was just crazy about me. I used to believe that nothing would come between us. There were no signs that he could ever leave me. So I felt very secure in the relationship. I was so secure that I let my guard down and got pregnant. It wasn’t something either of us planned so we were both anxious when it came to deciding what to do about it.
I was very young so keeping the baby didn’t seem like the best thing to do. I was also scared of what might happen if I tried to get rid of it. Ike tried his best to assure me that nothing bad would happen but I was too afraid to go through with it. In the end, I kept the baby. He wasn’t happy about it. It meant a lot of responsibility for him that he wasn’t ready for. So he started to pull away from me. My once caring and loving boyfriend became indifferent toward me and my needs.
We fought about money. We fought about his attention. We fought about almost everything. I was practically doing it all alone. When I finally had the baby he was nowhere to be found. He disappeared like a ghost and left me to cater for our child alone. Thankfully, I have a supportive family. They helped me take care of the baby and encouraged me to go back to school. Being a single mother has not been easy, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. A lot of people came my way but I didn’t give my attention to them. I didn’t know how to go about raising a child and having a boyfriend who isn’t the child’s father.
I had questions like, “When is it appropriate to tell the man that I am a mum? When is the right time to introduce the man to my child? What if the relationship doesn’t work out? Will I keep introducing different men to my child?” I didn’t have any answers to these questions. Who would I have asked? So I did the best I could until I met a certain man. He was good to me, however, he was the first person I was dating since I became a mum. So I didn’t tell him about my son. I also didn’t tell my little boy about him.
Keeping my son a secret from him took a toll on me. It made me feel I was being unfair to him. But I wasn’t ready to introduce any man to my son either so I figured the time wasn’t right for me to date. So I broke up with the guy. A year after the breakup, I tried to date again. This one was also good to me. He seemed to be a harmless young man. Not only was he harmless, but he was loving too. He was also very hardworking and resourceful. I saw a father figure in him for my child but I didn’t tell him anything about being a mum. I waited until I was sure about my love for him and his love for me. Surprisingly, when I told him the truth, he didn’t get angry. He told me, “Knowing that you have a son doesn’t change how I feel about you. Can I meet him?” I was so happy that I said yes. I introduced them and the two of them fell in love with each other instantly. I see how he loves my boy and it melts my heart.
Everything was fine between us. I saw my future with him. In fact, he was my world. I am saying all this in the past tense because I discovered recently that he cheated on me. He even gave me an STI I had to treat. That’s how I found out he cheated. I was so blinded by love that I didn’t notice that aspect of him. Now, I get people telling me about all the women he is sleeping with. These people don’t know that I am dating him. They think we are just friends. So they tell me about his escapades and add, “He is your friend. Advise him to change.”
At this point, I have heard enough stories to know that he will keep infecting me with diseases if I continue to be with him. He says he will change but I am not about to use myself as an experiment. I have a son to look after. That’s where my problem is. I want to leave the relationship but my son is attached to him. My heart is broken but I can handle it. I don’t want to break my son’s heart in addition to mine. How do I tell my four-year-old son that his uncle Kofi will no longer be in our lives? What do I say for him not to feel like Kofi has abandoned him? I don’t have any idea what to do. Please, to the mums who have done this before, how do you do it?
–Efe
