I am a preacher who has risen through the ranks in my church. Sometimes I preach in our other branches, but at our main branch, I am next in command to the head pastor. I am married with two lovely children. One would expect a pastor’s home to be full of warmth and love, not coldness like mine. This coldness is coming from my wife and it’s all my fault. She doesn’t go to church these days, and that’s also my fault.
We have been married for six years now. I have tried my best to be a good husband to her and a loving father to our kids. However, I have a weakness that brings my wife nothing but grief. Let me throw a little light on the origin of this weakness before I delve into the problems it has caused me.
I experienced a strict upbringing growing up with my dad and stepmother. I did every house chore; laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, washing dishes, and sweeping. All I knew was housework and school. My stepmother often insulted me and referred to me as ugly. This crushed my confidence and made me keep away from people. When I became a teenager, I started playing with myself to make myself feel better. I only did it once in a while so I didn’t consider it a problem. At the University, a colleague took me to our Students’ Common Room at an ungodly hour and we watched an adult film.
After that experience, things became worse for me. I actively searched for such videos to watch so that I could get off. I would regret my actions and ask God for forgiveness but do it again. This became a cycle in my walk with God. I sin, feel bad, pray for forgiveness, and sin again. All this while, I had never been with a woman intimately. Anyone close to me knows that I am naturally shy of ladies, partly because of the way I was raised. During the long vacation leading to my fourth year at the University, I stood in a competition at church with a young bubbly lady who had completed SHS then. We became friends afterwards and kept in touch even when I travelled out of Accra for national service.
One thing led to another and she became my wife after knowing and dating her for about seven years in all. We had a long-distance relationship because I was out of Accra when I proposed to her. We trusted each other so much that the relationship progressed smoothly until we got married. I entered into marriage with expectations of tasting what I had been watching in my films. My wife was as green as I was so our first time was painful for her. The encounters after that were still not smooth at all. I expressed frustration when we could not have shuperu the way we had imagined it. It took months to find a flow. A doctor had to advise us along the way and that helped matters.
Eight months into our marriage, my wife conceived and that was when my woes began. She was always weak and not available for shuperu. I ended up exploring meet-up pages. I decided to try meeting someone for a quick hookup. The first time was horrible and full of fear to the extent that, the woman I met, who was about four years older than me, advised me to go home if I was not ready. But I mustered courage and did it. After that experience, I started exploring and meeting more ladies for hookups. Some were in a relationship form and ended, mostly because my wife found out. I cannot count the number of ladies I have met. I used condoms as much as possible but I started doing it bareback at a point and that was when my second rounds were delayed and I was unable to ejaculate.
All through this period, I was doing well at church and attending a lot of programs but I couldn’t resist the temptation to do the hook-ups. There is one church girl I even got involved with but she was in another branch. A while after it ended, I was transferred to that branch. She left the church before I got there. And even though she had her own issues with the church, I think I am partly to blame too, because my wife found out about us so I kept her at arm’s length. Talking about my wife’s knowledge of these things, she has told me several times, “Kobby, this weakness of yours will be the death of me.”
The first time she caught me, she was about four months pregnant with our first child. That was around the starting period of my exploits. She read chats I had with a lady I had tried to meet. I told her, “I am sorry this happened. I won’t do it again.” And she forgave me and we moved on. Since then, she has seen contacts of hookup ladies I had hidden on my phone. She would ask about it and I would explain and apologize and tell her, “I keep saying it won’t happen again but it does. This is a weakness I am working on. Please be patient with me.”
There was one lady who threatened to storm my church if I didn’t accept responsibility for her pregnancy. I became worried so I informed my wife about her. And she was so heartbroken by it. One smart lady I met online acted as my barrister and warded the lady off my back. The lady who threatened me said, “I destroyed the pregnancy because of how badly you reacted to the news. You have to pay me back for the cost involved.” Another lady terminated a pregnancy for me without my knowledge. She said, “I had to do it because you told me so many times that you are afraid you will lose your wife if you impregnate someone outside your marriage.”
Another lady also got rid of pregnancy for me, this one was with my full knowledge and sponsorship. She said they were twins.
My wife has been through so much because of me and she is always praying for me. Whenever I see her pray, I know it is me she is praying for. She is a God-fearing woman, unlike me. She has not and is unable to communicate this with anyone because of our integrity and most especially, my reputation and image. She feels disrespected by me, has fears I would get a child outside the marriage, our children will turn promiscuous when they grow up, and I am sure she is worried about me infecting her with an STD.
She tells me, “Kobby, I tremble when I think about how promiscuous you are. Nobody even suspects you because you look so innocent. An elderly woman in the church even told me to take care of you because you are a good man. Of course, she’d think that. She only knows what she sees on the outside.” I ask myself, “So does this one weakness make me a very bad person and cancel every good deed of mine?” I have hurt her so much and I am tired of pursuing these things.
As I write, I am now involved with another lady I chased for about four years. She finally gave in to me after I proved I felt something for her. She is a very sensible woman and gives me space and peace even though I have to support her since she is a single mother of twins. She is quite hardworking and I feel burdened to help whenever she is in need. I feel safe now when it comes to pregnancy because she is on a five-year family planning that will last until next year. My wife found out about her too. She recently sat me down for a long talk after she discovered the list of hookup girls I compile once in a while. Due to that, I want to let go of everything. I need help with how to do this because I am tired. I have prayed and fasted to no avail. I was able to stop for four months until one day, I longed for it so much that I run from work to hook up with a lady.
My wife and I have tried counselling but nothing came out of it. I am tired but I cannot give up on myself now and continue to put my wife through worries and pain.
You would not believe me and might conclude otherwise but I love my wife so much and want to stay with her without doing these things. I want to serve God with a clean heart. What should I do now? I know some readers might judge me but all I can say is that, thank God for keeping you away from that one thing that can make you fall and wallow in sin. At least, say a prayer for me and my family after reading this. I need help, especially without my wife’s involvement. She has already been through so much already.
—Kobby
