I am married with a set of twins, a boy, and a girl. The kids are five years old now. And my husband is as absent as a truant school child. I have tried very hard to get him to be present for our children but in the end, he does what he wants. Even though we are married, his actions show that resents me. Sadly, he has extended how he feels about me to his own children.
A few years after our marriage I noticed an unholy closeness between my best friend and my husband. I trusted both of them with my life so I didn’t think anything was happening between them. I just assumed my friend was probably in trouble and sought out my husband for counsel. So I ignored both of them until I realized that they were going out of their way to act as if they were not friends whenever I was in the same room. I started secretly keeping a close eye on them. I monitored both their messages, and phone calls.
In the beginning, I wasn’t seeing anything so I confronted my husband, “I have seen that you’ve gotten very close to my best friend. Is there anything I should know?” He shook his head and said, “We are not as close as you think. She’s been having issues with her husband and she talks to me about it so that she can understand things from a man’s perspective.” “If that’s the case then why the secrecy? Why won’t you let me know that this is what is going on?” I asked. He quickly apologized and promised to involve me next time. I accepted his apology and hoped that everything would end there but it didn’t.
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My husband changed. He started making excuses to stay out late after work. Sometimes if we planned to go out as a family, he would get a headache last minute, and opt to stay at home. All the signs pointed to the fact that he was either involved with another woman or he was avoiding me. So I started monitoring him again. That was when I discovered he was still spending a lot of time with my best friend. Out of curiosity I took his phone and read their chats. What I saw shocked me to the point where I almost lost my mind. My best friend who is married with three children was sleeping with my husband.
Never in my worst nightmare would I have seen this happening. When I confronted my husband about what I found, he didn’t show any shame or remorse. He refused to apologize and told me, “I am a man. I can marry more than one woman so I am not sorry about your friend.” “You are not sorry that you slept with another man’s wife? There are innocent children at stake here. How can the two of you be this selfish?” I asked him. He shrugged and walked away from me. My heart was pained from the two-sided betrayal but I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Usually, I would have gone to my best friend, but in this case, she was the one stabbing me in the back.
As if he hadn’t hurt me enough, he started dating an SHS leaver in our neighbourhood. The girl lives with her parents opposite our house. My husband gave them money so they endorsed, and kept quiet about the relationship. But somehow I found out and asked him about it. “What am I doing that is making you look at other women? Tell me, and let me work on it.” He got angry, “If you insist on ruining all my relationships then leave my house.” I thought it was a joke until he packed my stuff along with the children’s stuff and threw them outside. He called me a lot of trashy names and caused a scene. The humiliation killed my soul completely. I reported him to his family but no one wanted to get involved. They told me, “The only person he listens to in this family is his mother so talk to her.” Now I couldn’t talk to her. The woman had made it clear to me over the years that she didn’t like my kids and me. She always tells me, “After the way I have suffered over my son, he has built a mansion and you are the one enjoying it with your children.” So I knew she wouldn’t support us.
I went to live in my parents’ house and gave my attention to my children. Along the line, my son had a health problem that needed surgery to be corrected. We went through all the required processes and had the surgery. By God’s grace, everything went well. After we were discharged from the hospital my husband apologized, “I am sorry for how badly I behaved toward you. I don’t know what came over me. Please come home with the kids. I miss all of you.” I wasn’t ready for my marriage to end yet so I accepted his apology and we moved back home with him. Things were fine for a few weeks. We were a magazine cover happy family. I was so thankful that he was acting like the man I married once again.
Unfortunately, our happiness was short-lived. He started staying out late after work. Because I didn’t want any trouble, I ignored him. This emboldened him to start sleeping outside the house. He would be gone for days without any word. Then he stopped giving us money. I had to rely on the income from my small business, and the goodwill of my family to feed my kids. When I tried to talk to him about it, he got angry and hit me in front of the children. Even when I asked him for money politely, he would respond with insults. I am tired of the marriage. I am dying slowly on the inside. The little hope I had, that things would work out has been quenched. I have been praying and fasting but nothing has changed. I believe this means that I should leave the marriage in order to preserve my life, but the problem is I am scared. Which man would want a woman with two children?
I am still very young, and most people don’t know I have kids until I tell them. There are so many men throwing themselves at me. And I wish I could find comfort in the arms of one of them because I am so lonely. However, when I think about my children, I stay away from men. I fear that if I tell them I have children, they wouldn’t want me again. This is why I am still in my toxic marriage. Please what should I do? I need advice.
—Emma
