I met my boyfriend in 2012. We both didn’t have money but we were okay. Our love was strong enough to cover our need for the comfort that money brought. We barely had problems even. Everything went on smoothly until 2016 when we started talking about marriage. We knew we wanted to marry each other but we couldn’t afford it. We also talked about having kids, but we couldn’t do that too. So we planned to work harder and save money for our plans.
While we were planning for our future, I noticed that he was always with different girls. When I asked who they were, he either told me they were his sisters, or they were his coursemates. He was doing business and also schooling then. And I trusted him very much. He could tell me he would give me the sun and I would believe him. So I never doubted the explanations he gave me about the ladies.
One day I went to his place and met a girl. “Who is this one too?” I asked him. He responded, “She is my coursemate. She came to know where I live so we could hold study sessions later.” I again believed him. Another day I went to his shop and I saw this same girl there. I didn’t like it so I confronted him, “Why is your coursemate following you around everywhere? I don’t like it.” he tried to be dismissive at first, but I didn’t allow it. He saw my seriousness and stopped the girl from coming around.
In the latter part of 2017, his attitude changed toward me. I thought I had done something to offend him so I kept asking him what his problem was. However, he wouldn’t tell me anything. All he did was nag me about things he never would have expressed displeasure in. His behaviour was completely off, so I pushed him until he told me the truth. “Do you remember that girl I introduced to you as my coursemate? I am talking about the one we fought about. Umm, she has a child now, and I am the father.” I believe I lost my whole being that day. If broken was a person, it would have been me.
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I knew the only thing to do was to break up with him and move on with my life, but I couldn’t do it. He kept coming around and asking for forgiveness. Eventually, he wore me out and I forgave him and took him back.
In 2019, he moved to a new apartment and asked me to move in with him so we could plan our life together, which I did. Along the line, I became pregnant. Four months into the pregnancy, he came home with a pair of shoes meant for a two-year-old. “I bought these shoes for my daughter but they are too small for her. Keep it for our baby.” I calmly told him, “I can’t keep it. I don’t even know if our child is a girl. Return the shoes to the vendor and take your money.” He got angry and said, “This shows me that you will never accept my daughter. Pack your bags and leave my house. My mother was right about you after all. She said you will never support anything I do, and that if I marry you, I will be poor.”
In all this, I was the only one taking care of the pregnancy. And he brought his baby mama and other girls to his place whenever I went out. But he always told me he didn’t have money when I asked him for money. So I left his house when I was eight months pregnant, and told my mom that I never want to have anything to do with him again. I stopped calling him, but he called me most of the time to check up on us. I was happy that I was able to move on at last. I also completed my diploma with outstanding credits. I was doing well for myself, balancing pregnancy, work, and school.
When I gave birth to a baby boy, this man was so happy. He went about telling everyone that he is now a man. I didn’t care about him anymore so I was not bothered by his actions. I resumed work after my maternity leave was over. All this while he had been asking for my forgiveness but I didn’t pay him any attention. Then his other baby mama had another child for him. But he told me didn’t love her, and that I was the one he wanted. He even came to ask my mother for forgiveness and promised to marry me in a short while.
Nothing he did, moved my mother but it moved me because I lost my dad when I was young so I wanted my son to have his father in his life. I went against my mother’s wishes and went to live with him again. The truth is I have never stopped him from being with the other lady, all I wanted from him was for him to give me my own respect.
Two months after I went back to him, he started complaining that I wasn’t contributing any money to the house. And it wasn’t that I earned anything beyond NGN20,000. There wasn’t much I could do with that money. Because of this, he asked me to leave his house during the lockdown. Which I gladly did. Then he brought in the other lady. Two weeks later, he sent her packing and came to beg for my forgiveness. He said he didn’t know what came over him. It took five months for me to finally agree to go back to him.
In 2021 I got pregnant again. I was already under a lot of financial stress with my first child so I made up my mind to get rid of the pregnancy. Unfortunately for me, this man found out and threatened to report me to my mum and pastor if I went through with it. So I ended up keeping the baby. I couldn’t get a better job than I had planned, and I also had to put on hold my plans to further my education. All this while, I was the one taking care of forty per cent of the bills at home. Yet he complained that he was the one doing everything. READ: Rwanda: The top 10 most Musicians artist followed on Instagram!
He always complained bitterly about money but he rented an apartment for the other lady. And he never helped me around the house. I would wake up at 4:30 AM and retire to bed at midnight. All this man did after work was; eat, bathe, and sleep. All my complaints fell on deaf ears so I just endured it until I had my second son.
Just this August he went and paid the other lady’s bride price in her village as she is in her ninth month of a third pregnancy. He hid it from me, but I found out. Women always find these things out, you know? When I asked him about it, he denied it but I already knew the truth. So, I pestered him until he confessed, “I know that it was wrong for me to marry another woman while you are living under my roof. But her family pressured me into doing it, and I also considered that it was the right thing to do for the kids.”
I had to leave his place for my mum’s to get myself in order. Now he is begging me to come back to him. He says he will do our wedding in less than two years. I know that most women would want to be married to the father of their child. However, my case is different. I am more concerned about his attitude toward money. I don’t want to be married to a man who spends all his money on his other family and watches me take care of our kids alone. Whenever he spends money on me too, he treats me badly. I have started an HND program, and I am happy without him.
Honestly, I stopped loving him long ago, but I stayed for the kids. Right now, I have decided not to go back, because my children deserve a happy mother. He doesn’t seem to understand. He thinks he can wear me out into accepting him again, but he is wrong. This time around, I am wearing a whole armour of self-love and nothing he does will get past my defences.
—Endurance
