For two years, I have done nothing but love him. Even when all the odds were against us, I held on to him with a bright hope that our future would be better. I stood by him, even when I was certain that I was better off without him. All he had to do was smile that sweet angelic smile and I would be folding myself over to do anything he wants. In the beginning, I was sure that I couldn’t love any other man besides Marvin. As far as I was concerned, the sun could not rise without his permission, and neither would it set without him snapping his fingers. It was either Marvin or darkness for me. There was no balance. But as I write this, I am also in love with another. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Marvin. My heart is torn between the two. If I was allowed to keep them both I would.
All of this happened when I caught Marvin with a girl called Ama. This happened earlier in our relationship. By then the love was new and intoxicating. So even though I wanted more than anything to leave him, I ended up staying with him when he came to apologize. “This will not happen again,” he promised. “It was a stupid mistake that I completely regret now,” he said. It wasn’t the words he said, no, it was sincerity with which he said them. I am sure it’s the kind of sincerity God forgives when we go to him to confess our sins. I am sure God in his omniscience forgives even though he knows we will sin again. I cannot say the same for limited human knowledge. I truly believed that Marvin meant it when he promised it would not happen again. That is why I forgave him.
However, it didn’t take long for me to find out about the girl who came after Ama, her name is Akos. Unlike the first time when I easily caught him, he covered his tracks well with this one. But I felt something was off the moment she came into the picture. I started sniffing around but he did so well to clean up every evidence of her existence in our relationship. But like a dog with a bone, I did not rest until I caught him red-handed with her. I remember telling him, “The fact that you tried so hard to hide her means it was not a mistake. You were intentional about everything you were doing. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who turns me into a crazy woman, sniffing around and trying to catch you with another woman. That’s not who I am. I am done.”
Let it not be said of Marvin that he let me slip through his fingers even though he did not put in any effort to hold on to me. You should see him grovelling and acting like a victim. He said he didn’t know what came over him. “One more chance please,” he begged. I was done with him, that’s what I believed. But my heart was not done with him. Before I could think straight, I had forgiven him and gotten back with him. Did it end there? No. “One more chance” became an anthem in our relationship. By the time our relationship turned two years, I had caught him with seven women. The relationship might as well have been an open relationship because my boyfriend was open for business: 24/7. I was mentally ready to walk away from him but my stupid heart refused to give up. After seven women I told myself, “God created the earth in seven days, and so I believe giving Marvin seven chances is enough for him to change. If he cheats on me again, I am leaving for good.”
Things were peaceful for the most part of the year. I even let my guard down and trusted him a little. But a few months ago, I caught him with the eighth girl. This time around I put my foot down and left him. Since then, he has been apologizing and asking that I take him back. I told him, “I gave you seven chances and you blew it all up. I won’t give you the eighth chance. Forget it.” While he was trying to get me back, I turned my attention to Theodore, a man I met the first year I started dating Marvin. Theo has been waiting for me to love him, all this while. It’s been two years since he first expressed his love for me, and he is still waiting for me to choose him. He knows about all my troubles with Marvin and his womanizing. He knows everything I have suffered and he has promised to wipe my pain away and give me joy.
I am tempted to believe that Theo will indeed, be different. However, I am scared. Marvin has mangled my ability to trust anyone. I keep asking myself, “What if Theo turns out worse than Marvin? Maybe he wouldn’t be a womanizer but he could be something equally horrible. Or should I take Marvin back and stick with the devil I know?” Theo is very gentle with me but I have become so paranoid that I have convinced myself that he is pretending. On the other hand, Marvin seems to have changed. He is still asking me to give him one more chance. Out of confusion, I told him; “I will give you an answer on 1st January.”
So I am sitting here thinking about my options. The only thing I don’t like about Marvin is his inability to zip up his pants. Apart from that, he is good to me, and he supports me financially when I am down. As for Theo, I haven’t dated him yet so I don’t know if he is indeed everything he seems. What I do know is that I am in love with him just as much as I love Marvin. Asking me to choose between the two of them is like asking me to choose between the sun and the moon. It is an almost impossible choice to make. In your opinion, which of them do I choose?
–Juliet
