I’m standing in front of a shop staring at the shop attendant. She’s a lady, probably in her twenties. She smiles at everyone who enters the shop and takes them around the shop, helping them to choose what’s good for them. This is not my first time coming here. I’m not counting but this should be my fifth or more. I don’t come here to buy or even window shop. I just come and sit on a chair in front of the shop and watch the attendant through the glass walls. She sees me, I believe, but I don’t think she knows I’m here because of her.
I’m in love with her and I know exactly what to do to get her. When you want a lady to be your girlfriend, the process is always the same. The approach may vary but the core is always the same: you do what you can to get her attention first, and the rest may follow. I haven’t done that because I don’t want to ruin what I feel for her. It’s love I’m feeling. I know she’s the kind of girl I want. She’s beautiful, she smiles a lot, she does her job well and she knows how to carry herself around confidently. She didn’t tell me her name but I know she’s Jennifer. It’s on her name tag.
I said I’m in love with her but she’s not the only woman I’ve ever loved. What happened to the ones I fell in love with before her? I went for them. I got their attention, worked my way into their hearts and they said yes to me but here I am again, in love with someone else. What it means is that the previous ones didn’t work.
When I met Adelaide, I called her the love of my life. For days I couldn’t sleep. I would be tossing and turning in my bed, thinking of what to do to get her. In my dreams, I built a castle for us. A castle we would live in with our three kids; two boys and a girl. The world is too noisy. A castle will take us away from the noise and keep our love safe. Even before I said hello to Adelaide, our love journey was already mapped out. All she had to do was walk in and play to the script.
I worked my way to her heart and on one calm night when her heart was at peace, I proposed to her. She saw it coming because I made it obvious that I loved her right from the start. She said yes. My heart leaped up for joy. That night we had our first kiss. Days later she spent the night at my place. She became a part and parcel of my life. I’ve gotten Adelaide, I had to build a castle but it turned out that building a castle in our imaginations is easier.
Nothing worked between us. It was my fault. I gave her the wrong impression about me and when she got to know me for who I was, that impression faded. We fought a lot over little things. We didn’t agree on anything, even where to meet on a date. One day she cut the cord. I didn’t fight her. There was no love left in my heart for her. I let her go and that was the end of the castle I built in the air. It lasted for only a year and some weeks.
After Adelaide was Kuukua. After Kuukua was Abena. Abena had my mother’s name and my mom loved her beyond measure but when the time came for us to part, my mom couldn’t help her. The fact that she had my mom’s name didn’t count but when I wanted her so badly, that was what I used to get her; “You have my mother’s name and I see her traits in you. I don’t intend to make you my mother but I’m saying my mom is an angel so I see an angel in you.”
I had an angel and still couldn’t live in her heavens.
At a point, I had to assess my life and see why I couldn’t keep these women. They were good. They were kind. They were women and behaved like women so why? The answer was and still is, I get fed up with women very easily. I love them only when I don’t have them. Once they become mine, I lose interest in them. The flowery phase doesn’t last for a month. Soon it’s gone and I see them as a nuisance. A friend told me it’s infatuation. “You don’t really love them the way you think you do,” she said.”It’s not love, what you feel. It’s infatuation.”
I read about the differences between infatuation and love and told myself, “Naaa, it’s love that I feel and not infatuation. My problem is the fact that women bore me easily. Once I see you in my space all the time, the thrill would be lost. You could be an angel when I saw you but once I see you every day, you’ll lose your pearly wings and become like a vulture. What can a vulture do for me? How can I live in a castle with a vulture?
I was very careful with Rita when I met her. I knew myself and I was going to use that information to help build a better relationship with Rita. When I got closer to her, she told me she had a boyfriend. That should have pushed me away but it didn’t. I saw it as a challenge–a challenge I had to win by all means.
I didn’t know her boyfriend but I was competing and outdoing him in every sphere. I assumed the guy would call three times a day so I called five times a day. I assumed the guy won’t text all day so I did. I assumed the guy won’t send gifts often so I did. She said yes and later explained; “I didn’t have anyone. I just wanted you off my way but you proved your love for me beyond every reasonable doubt. I hope you don’t change.”
I changed.
I lost her.
Now I’m here standing in front of a shop, looking at a lady who has a Jennifer name tag on her breast. I love her with all my heart but haven’t said a word to her. The shop sells women’s cosmetics. I don’t want her to get the wrong impression that’s why I haven’t entered to buy from her. She might think I’m getting the items for my woman and that would jeopardize my chances.
I’m not scared of approaching the women I love but this time, I’m scared to approach Jennifer because every love story I touch turns to dust. I’m scared of myself and how I easily mess relationships up. Currently, I’m enjoying the suffering I’m going through because of how I feel for her. I don’t sleep at night. I think of her. I make petty mistakes at work because I think of her. Immediately work closes, I rush to come and sit here and watch her. It’s part of the suffering.
I don’t know if I will ever go forward. Maybe after writing this, I will approach her. Maybe not. What’s the point in winning a woman’s heart today if you’ll drop it tomorrow?
I’ll rather work on myself and conquer my demons before I touch Jennifer. But what if it’s too late by the time I come back and how would I know I’m healed enough to start something new?
Questions without answers.
I want this to be my last stop. I’m twenty-seven. Two years from now I should be married. But where do I start my healing from? They say counseling so I’ll try that. Some say I need emotional therapy. I will work on that too if not, someday I will walk on this earth all alone and die all alone when I’ve had the chance to love the best and be with the best among the women God created.
— Ethan
