It happened once and the lady got pregnant. I was married with two kids but she wasn’t. She had a man she told me was getting married to very soon so when the pregnancy came I gave her the power to decide what happens. I told her, “I’m married. If my wife gets to know this my marriage is ruined. I don’t want to ruin my marriage but I won’t also push you to do what you might not want to do. The ball is in your court. Decide on something and tell me about it.” I was hoping she would call the next day and tell me we should abort. I put one and one together and was so convinced that she was going to choose to abort. A day later she texted me, “It’s a human being we are going to give birth to. Let’s have it.”
I called her phone. “Dede, you know what is at stake right? I’m married and you have someone you said you’re getting married to very soon. Have you considered how these people would feel? Do you think your boyfriend would be happy to see you give birth for another man and later marry you? Why are you not thinking about all that?” She answered, “I was lying about that man. I don’t have anyone in my life. From the beginning, I didn’t want a relationship with you and I thought telling you that would let you leave me alone but you never did. There’s no man in my life I’m getting married to. That’s the whole truth.”
My chips were down. I got crushed and felt deceived. I asked her, “So I’m the one who should take the fall, right? You don’t care about my marriage? You don’t care for the fact that this simple decision you’re taking would destroy my marriage life and life in general?” She told me softly, “I’ve made my decision. You can make yours too. It’s either you keep it a secret from your wife and keep your marriage going or you tell her you’ve gotten another woman pregnant. If you choose the former, I won’t be the one who destroyed your marriage. The blood of your marriage would be on your own hands. I won’t interfere in your marriage as far as you discharge your duty as a father.”
We argued about it forever. I made crazy promises to her I knew in my heart that I wasn’t going to fulfil. I promised money. I promised a river in the desert. I promised forever care and love if only she would abort but this lady said no! I had everything to lose. She had nothing to lose so no matter how I put it, she didn’t understand me. The next time she called me she said, “My mom wants to talk to you.” She gave the phone to her and she asked me, “My son, so what are we going to do?” The next call came from her father. Her elder brother also called me. Her uncle called one early morning when I was still in bed with my wife. Her younger sister called. Everyone was calling me asking what I was going to do.
I knew it was just a matter of time before my wife heard it. I said to myself, “Maybe she might decide to stay because of these kids. I will confess to her so I can do the right thing.” I told my parents about it. They were angry with me. They gave me all the angry words and even said things I didn’t expect them to say to their eldest child but they did. In the end, they told me, “We will call your wife but don’t ever think we are going to plead for you or speak on your behalf. You said we should help you tell her. We will tell her but be ready to bear the consequences.”
They told my wife and she said she wanted a divorce. Eiii!
I woke up every morning begging her not to let the marriage go. I made a promise never to repeat such a mistake. I promised to make her my all and all. I had to virtually kneel on the floor, put palm in palm and beg her to stay. I ran to her parents. They saw the desperation in my approach and started helping me to salvage what was left. My wife left the house to live with her parents. That helped to a certain extent. They spoke to her. When I was there, they brought us together and advised us. Three months later, my wife accepted to come back to the marriage. She said, “I will do it because of the kids not because of your remorse or because of what my parents said.” I responded, “The ‘because’ doesn’t matter to me. I’m happy you’re back into the marriage.”
I decided not to hide anything from her so every step I took concerning the other woman and the pregnancy, I told her. When my family had to visit and accept the responsibility of the child, I asked her to go with us but she didn’t go. She said she didn’t want to know the woman and I understood her. When we came back, I told her everything that happened. She wasn’t excited about it but she was ok that I was being transparent. Dede had a baby girl and she’s currently four years old. Now, my house is breaking down because of this child I had outside of the marriage. Dede doesn’t give me problems. She doesn’t call and she doesn’t pressure me to do anything I’m not expected to do. I send them money monthly, pay fees, and send gifts on the child’s birthday.
I don’t visit them. I saw the child physically during her naming ceremony. I hadn’t seen her again because my wife has warned me never to go close to them. Currently, whenever I tell my wife that I’m going to do something for the child, she gets angry and screams at me as if I’m one of her children. “Why are you doing that for her? Is she your only child? Today this, tomorrow that. Can’t her mother do anything to support her own child?” Since we resolved our issue and started living together again, my wife doesn’t contribute to anything. She was helping out until the infidelity issue came. I don’t pressure her. She has made it clear that she won’t help so I don’t go fighting her but when it comes to Dede’s daughter, she asks me what the mother is doing to help.
We had a fight not too long ago. She thinks I’m paying too much for the child’s school fees and as such, the girl should change schools. “She has to go to a lower school where they don’t pay that much or her mother has to pay half of the fees. You can’t send them money monthly and be made to pay that much for school fees.” My children’s fees are almost twice her’s but my wife doesn’t complain. It makes me feel like she’s taking advantage of the fact that I do whatever she asks me to do. Whenever we argue she tells me, “If you think you love that child more than your own then go and marry her mother and leave us alone. No one is forcing you.”
There’s nothing I don’t do for my kids. My salary is overly stretched to the extent that I’m not able to do anything for myself. I do extra jobs, I go the extra mile to satisfy every need on me. I take it as a punishment for what I did and I do it without complaints but with a little bit of regret. “If only I didn’t sleep with Dede…”
I’m doing all these to keep my home but it’s my wife who is making life unbearable for me. I’m sharing this story because of the last demand she made from me. She said, “Dede is extorting money from you because you have a child with her. Go for the child and send her to your parents so you stop spending on her. I don’t want to hear that you’re sending them money again.”
I had taken a lot of emotional abuse from my wife and I wasn’t ready to take anymore. I asked her, “Put yourself in Dede’s shoes. Will you allow that to happen to you? She said I was supporting Dede. She said I was choosing my illicit partner over her. She said a lot of hurtful words and later concluded, “Only God knows what you’ve been doing with her behind my back. If nothing is happening between you two you wouldn’t be here choosing them over us.”
Life is already tiring but my wife is making things worse. Is there something I’m supposed to do that I’m not doing? Yeah, trust is broken but I’ve spent over four years living my life as an open book just to satisfy my wife but nothing I do is enough. Is there anything else I have to do to get her off my back? I’m tired of her nagging. I’m tired of her bitterness. I’m tired of her incessant complaints about things that ought not to worry her. I’m tired of everything. I need help before I give up.
—A.K.D
